It's Monday. My work day was full of crying children who have been off schedule.... too many days in between their week vacation Spring Break for all down South maybe too much Easter excitement for those who celebrate this beautiful holiday.... for those who do not.... probably just too much time away from school. The weather has been very warm.... 87 degrees and rising.
I have a bad case of laryngitis and the kids are taking full advantage of this. My assistant needs to be my voice.... and sadly she doesn't have the gusto to grab their attention like this old gal does!
And through all this, I have been thinking about my visit on Saturday with my Mother. My mother who sits in her dorm room at the nursing facility with her "friends". It has been awhile since I've posted any of my visits with my mother. My mother has Parkinson's disease - with this comes the dementia. There are times where she may know me- even if it is only for a few moments. This weekend she didn't. For my first 30 minutes she slept. Her little frame is frail....her skin so porcelain-like it almost shines......and her hair is completely silver. I know I have said this in another post, but my mother was a woman of style and flair. A polished 5 ft. Diva. Her trademark style of Victorian necklines and pencil thin skirts stick in my head- not to mention the Captivator pumps!
Of course I am thankful that my mother is living and I am able to sit with her....touch her...kiss her soft cheeks. Watch her smile or giggle like a little girl whether she knows me or not.
Or even watch her frown and snarl about the nursing staff who seem to have no manners at all- at least according to mother when she is aware of her surroundings. She would send them all to etiquette school!
What I am missing is our conversation. When I feel at a loss..... I feel my mother knows best..... and when I feel my happiest...... I can not share it with her. completely.
This week I wanted, no make that needed to share something with my mother. Only she would understand and know the exact thing to say to her youngest daughter to set my mind at ease.
Only she could give me that look.... that something she had in her green eyes that spoke volumes to me. She knew me. Of course she did I was her child.....I was the youngest and the most rebellious.
My selfishness mourns for her. I need, yes I need my mother more than she knows right now.
I need to cry to her. I need to be that little girl again having my mother tell me everything will be alright and she loves me. My tears water flowers.
I miss her terribly.
My reflection on this visit came to me today while I took a short walk outside during my lunch hour. I needed to escape those tiny little villains and even my assistant.
As my thoughts flowed into clouds above my head- just as I have typed above- it occurred to me that I just shared the very thing that was on my mind for days with someone that completely took my words and told me things are going to be okay. God has a plan for me.
God is certainly opening doors, windows, the shutters...... He has given me this person to reach out to...... to be able to pour my heart and soul out to....... and as I sat in her car on Sunday after Easter service...... it was as if I just looked into my mothers green eyes and felt her hug. God has certainly shown me time and time again things. Events. Situations that come and I just don't quite get it at the time- until recent.
Eva.... I love you. And I thank God for placing us together under that large shade tree on the 4th of July.