Monday, April 25, 2011

Tears that water flowers

Easter weekend came and went as fast as we packed our suitcases!

It's Monday. My work day was full of crying children who have been off schedule.... too many days in between their week vacation Spring Break for all down South maybe too much Easter excitement for those who celebrate this beautiful holiday.... for those who do not.... probably just too much time away from school. The weather has been very warm.... 87 degrees and rising.
I have a bad case of laryngitis and the kids are taking full advantage of this. My assistant needs to be my voice.... and sadly she doesn't have the gusto to grab their attention like this old gal does!

And through all this, I have been thinking about my visit on Saturday with my Mother. My mother who sits in her dorm room at the nursing facility with her "friends". It has been awhile since I've posted any of my visits with my mother. My mother has Parkinson's disease - with this comes the dementia. There are times where she may know me- even if it is only for a few moments. This weekend she didn't. For my first 30 minutes she slept. Her little frame is frail....her skin so porcelain-like it almost shines......and her hair is completely silver. I know I have said this in another post, but my mother was a woman of style and flair. A polished 5 ft. Diva. Her trademark style of Victorian necklines and pencil thin skirts stick in my head- not to mention the Captivator pumps!

Of course I am thankful that my mother is living and I am able to sit with her....touch her...kiss her soft cheeks. Watch her smile or giggle like a little girl whether she knows me or not.
Or even watch her frown and snarl about the nursing staff who seem to have no manners at all- at least according to mother when she is aware of her surroundings. She would send them all to etiquette school!
What I am missing is our conversation. When I feel at a loss..... I feel my mother knows best..... and when I feel my happiest...... I can not share it with her. completely.
This week I wanted, no make that needed to share something with my mother. Only she would understand and know the exact thing to say to her youngest daughter to set my mind at ease.
Only she could give me that look.... that something she had in her green eyes that spoke volumes to me. She knew me. Of course she did I was her child.....I was the youngest and the most rebellious.
My selfishness mourns for her. I need, yes I need my mother more than she knows right now.
I need to cry to her. I need to be that little girl again having my mother tell me everything will be alright and she loves me. My tears water flowers.
I miss her terribly.
My reflection on this visit came to me today while I took a short walk outside during my lunch hour. I needed to escape those tiny little villains and even my assistant.
As my thoughts flowed into clouds above my head- just as I have typed above- it occurred to me that I just shared the very thing that was on my mind for days with someone that completely took my words and told me things are going to be okay. God has a plan for me.
God is certainly opening doors, windows, the shutters...... He has given me this person to reach out to...... to be able to pour my heart and soul out to....... and as I sat in her car on Sunday after Easter service...... it was as if I just looked into my mothers green eyes and felt her hug. God has certainly shown me time and time again things. Events. Situations that come and I just don't quite get it at the time- until recent.

Eva.... I love you. And I thank God for placing us together under that large shade tree on the 4th of July.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Do you Love?


Is this word used to express our emotion overused? I for one am guilty of using the word LOVE to express plenty of things in my life. But I feel that I do know what unconditional love means. I love my husband-unconditional love. I love my children- unconditional love. darn that can be tough during these teens years! ha ha
I love my family-unconditional love. another tough love at moments.
I love my bestest friend. no really I do and Gracie you know it!
I love puppy breath....I love daisies.....I love chocolate like no other human can.......I love the smell of spring time and the crisp autumn breeze......I love Christmastime......I love lavender and rosemary......I love the beach......I love antiques.......
Now that you had an overload of what I LOVE...... you get the picture.
My problem with this word LOVE is that I feel our society uses it entirely too much.
Of course this is only my opinon- I am not the LOVE word expert!
I listen and observe people on a daily basis. I hear "I just LOVE Tom's shoes. so do I but I can't afford them- yet. "I LOVE him, he is so funny!" "I just LOVE so-n-so, she is the nicest person on earth!" this is after the first initial meeting. "I LOVE my job". stop that!
"I LOVE doing nice things for people". truth or dare?
What pushed me to write this post is due to the amount of times a day, week, year I hear LOVE being thrown out into cyberspace.....greeting calls......conversations......etc.
Do we really feel the LOVE? Do we show it enough to that neighbor who bakes your family a casserole when you are sick? Do we show it to the elderly woman who is struggling with the grocery cart- or do you walk directly passed her without assisting? Do we show LOVE to our siblings after a disagreement regarding parents? Do we show it while sitting side by side on the metro with a Muslim? Do we show LOVE to God everyday? Or just when we need God in our lives the most?
I'm guilty of two of the above- I don't show it to my neighbor....their kids drive me crazy. I don't show it to God every single day of my life. LOVE. He was all about LOVE. He is LOVE. Unconditional LOVE.
A community garden of LOVE. I dream this....I see it.....I want to plant this garden right here in the metro community where I live and work. Where my children attend school. Where we shop, eat, walk the dog, greet the mailwoman, attend church. Isn't this what God wants from me? from us? Spread the LOVE and mean it? To show unconditional LOVE at all times.

I LOVE you. No...really I do!


Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Peaceful Day

Today is my day to relax. To reflect. To cherish this sense of peace that I'm feeling.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning.
He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those
who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son....
We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.
Romans 8:29

Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all
your mind and with all your strength.
Mark 12 :30 (NIV)

Give yourselves to God....
Surrender your whole being to him
to be used for righteous purposes.
Romans 6 :13

I will stop looking back with regrets.... or looking forward with fear....
and give the best I have today.
Lance Wubbles (Dance While You Can)

I will stop getting upset when things go wrong and my world is not what I want it to be.
I will find joy in life's challenges and risks and hopes.
Lance Wubbles (Dance While You Can)

A good read: Scars Of A Chef by: Rick Tramonto
This was on my to read list since my brother has been in this career.... after learning of Tramonto's experience in a car - while listening to a Christian radio program- has changed his life.

Dance my friends..... and have a peaceful day*


Sunday, April 3, 2011

I am proof

It's been 2 years since I was given this beautiful second chance at life.
My journey has grown. And while I continue to travel.....I may find myself at a dead end....jumping over a puddle or two.....knocking down road blocks. But my dark alley exist no longer.

I have never considered my life a dead end. A horror movie. I have never thought of hanging my head in sorrow to the point of taking my own life.

In my years of walking the non-Christian path....I have found those tempting idols that rejuvenated my being. Buddha. His large balloon like belly and enormous smile captured my heart. The walk of Buddha captured my happy-go-lucky lifestyle I was known for. The reincarnation of life- a butterfly- a ladybug- a hummingbird. To continue this walk would have thrown me into the depths of hell. Purgatory would not have grabbed ahold of my ankle. Buddhism and my lifestyle was going to kill me emotionally. Socially I was given the tools. I was garnished with the grace of my mother and the social-connection of my father.
I was given tools and guidance by my Catholic background. So why did I walk away?
I ran away from Christianity because of my lack of knowledge. Fear. A fear of God.
My free spirit and my lack of obedience gave to me a life -hanging by a thread.
Oh, I have never been in jail, so my disobedience came in the package of taking life by the horns and living to the edge....carefree and in some areas careless.
I was young....I had friends by the dozens.....I had the life.
Even after a rotten marriage I managed to keep my life together. If not for me...then for those around me.

Two years ago when I became a believer, I still questioned what I was feeling. What I was truly believing in. Who was this man Jesus? How can it be possible that we can have a loving relationship with a God who we can't see? And how can He possibly love me back after all that I have done?
He did. He forgave me and I felt it. As much as I fought the emotion while listening to LW's worship team sing the lyrics "oh, no...never let go..." I completely fell apart. I didn't want to be seen....I didn't want my husband, my sister-in-law or my teens to see me break down in tears. What's wrong with me? Why was I not able to stop? What the heck just happened that my body was so out of my control. No...I wasn't failing around like a fish...I just couldn't control my tears I found hands on my shoulders and around my waist. My husband and my sister-in-law. I felt a soft touch on my back- someone I didn't know reached out to let me know - let go....let it out.....He is with you.

My journey continues. He is not finish with me yet.
Last evening as Football Superstar and I talked about his career ....sitting like ducks waiting to hear from the VP of a he he not in?! There was emotion released from both of us that was way overdue. We talked long into the night. Promising one another we will not go back there- the place where I tend to go- "why didn't we do this....why did we do that....". Football Superstar says to me "you know...we were meant to be placed together". Placed. What plan does He have for us. I was placed with my husband. I find that word to be interesting We were not meant to be just together...we were placed together.
We have been placed in a new state to start over, yet my journey doesn't start over, it continues.

I see it life has been a journey from day one. From childhood to adult life. He was always with me. I know this now. I felt it...but never knew just what it was.
He has always been by my side...carrying me....protecting me.....correcting me.....guiding me.....loving me.
He always will.

I pray for my family&friends...for peace....and I am guilty of praying for lesser things that truly have no meaning. I listen to Football Superstar talk about eternity....and I'm in awe with his strength. this is coming from a non-believer most of his life! How he talks about seeing our Heavenly Father one day..... when I still find myself cringing hoping that I am old and wrinkled when we meet. But today I reflect on my husbands words. What an awesome feeling to know that you will have eternal life with God.

Football Superstar has it right....we were placed together. Greatness has come out of our friendship...our relationship....this marriage.

What a journey this has been.

Funny...when I think of my father telling me I was unique in a way where life just flowed for me....I now know he wasn't talking about my free spiritedness of rebelling....or bouncing back from life's arrows..... I know now my father was talking about our Heavenly Father watching over me. Making mistakes. Making funny of a moment. Making life beautiful.
Making my life full of hope and promises. Reaching for that mountain when it's difficult.
We're heading up that mountain. I'm determined to be my Heavenly Father's obedient follower. I'm determined to grow up and take His word to others. I am proof. Believe.

God of wonders.