My journey has grown. And while I continue to travel.....I may find myself at a dead end....jumping over a puddle or two.....knocking down road blocks. But my dark alley exist no longer.
I have never considered my life a dead end. A horror movie. I have never thought of hanging my head in sorrow to the point of taking my own life.
In my years of walking the non-Christian path....I have found those tempting idols that rejuvenated my being. Buddha. His large balloon like belly and enormous smile captured my heart. The walk of Buddha captured my happy-go-lucky lifestyle I was known for. The reincarnation of life- a butterfly- a ladybug- a hummingbird. To continue this walk would have thrown me into the depths of hell. Purgatory would not have grabbed ahold of my ankle. Buddhism and my lifestyle was going to kill me emotionally. Socially I was given the tools. I was garnished with the grace of my mother and the social-connection of my father.
I was given tools and guidance by my Catholic background. So why did I walk away?
I ran away from Christianity because of my lack of knowledge. Fear. A fear of God.
My free spirit and my lack of obedience gave to me a life -hanging by a thread.
Oh, I have never been in jail, so my disobedience came in the package of taking life by the horns and living large....living to the edge....carefree and in some areas careless.
I was young....I had friends by the dozens.....I had the life.
Even after a rotten marriage I managed to keep my life together. If not for me...then for those around me.
Two years ago when I became a believer, I still questioned what I was feeling. What I was truly believing in. Who was this man Jesus? How can it be possible that we can have a loving relationship with a God who we can't see? And how can He possibly love me back after all that I have done?
He did. He forgave me and I felt it. As much as I fought the emotion while listening to LW's worship team sing the lyrics "oh, no...never let go..." I completely fell apart. I didn't want to be seen....I didn't want my husband, my sister-in-law or my teens to see me break down in tears. What's wrong with me? Why was I not able to stop? What the heck just happened that my body was so out of my control. No...I wasn't failing around like a fish...I just couldn't control my tears I found hands on my shoulders and around my waist. My husband and my sister-in-law. I felt a soft touch on my back- someone I didn't know reached out to let me know - let go....let it out.....He is with you.
My journey continues. He is not finish with me yet.
Last evening as Football Superstar and I talked about his career ....sitting like ducks waiting to hear from the VP of a company......is he in...is he not in?! There was emotion released from both of us that was way overdue. We talked long into the night. Promising one another we will not go back there- the place where I tend to go- "why didn't we do this....why did we do that....". Football Superstar says to me "you know...we were meant to be placed together". Placed. What plan does He have for us. I was placed with my husband. I find that word to be interesting We were not meant to be just together...we were placed together.
We have been placed in a new state to start over, yet my journey doesn't start over, it continues.
I see it now....my life has been a journey from day one. From childhood to adult life. He was always with me. I know this now. I felt it...but never knew just what it was.
He has always been by my side...carrying me....protecting me.....correcting me.....guiding me.....loving me.
He always will.
I pray for my husband...my children...my family&friends...for peace....and I am guilty of praying for lesser things that truly have no meaning. I listen to Football Superstar talk about eternity....and I'm in awe with his strength. this is coming from a non-believer most of his life! How he talks about seeing our Heavenly Father one day..... when I still find myself cringing hoping that I am old and wrinkled when we meet. But today I reflect on my husbands words. What an awesome feeling to know that you will have eternal life with God.
Football Superstar has it right....we were placed together. Greatness has come out of our friendship...our relationship....this marriage.
What a journey this has been.
Funny...when I think of my father telling me I was unique in a way where life just flowed for me....I now know he wasn't talking about my free spiritedness of rebelling....or bouncing back from life's arrows..... I know now my father was talking about our Heavenly Father watching over me. Making mistakes. Making funny of a moment. Making life beautiful.
Making my life full of hope and promises. Reaching for that mountain when it's difficult.
We're heading up that mountain. I'm determined to be my Heavenly Father's obedient follower. I'm determined to grow up and take His word to others. I am proof. Believe.
God of wonders.