What better time then today to post from my journal.
While I've been in bed all weekend fighting what seems to be a war inside my chest~ I at least have the quietness of my bedroom. This morning as my family attends church- I find my adoring cat September right by my side. No matter which way I shift for comfort- she makes sure to shift her soft warm body- purrs echo like a freight train. I wonder..... does she know I am sick? Is it her loving affectionate nature to stay by my side.... no. She just wants to stay warm like any other day....except I'm in her spot! the thought sounded sweet though didn't it.
It's been since October 2012~ I haven't felt the "umph" of writing. I haven't written anything in my personal journal for some time now....... it feels like forever.
I've found myself dancing poorly and as I claim to be above average dancer- my coordination or steps have been thrown off. I've danced around my faith. Not loosing it....or questioning it.... but needing once again direction. The church we have been attending for the past 18 give or take months was/has been/continues to go through changes. New staff, a new lead Pastor- which equaled less direction for me. Football Superstar was not saying much .... but he could sense I was fidgeting in my seat at church like an elementary school student. Yes, yes, yes, I know that it should NOT be ME expecting only the church to give ME what knowledge I needed....it's also my RESPONSIBILITY to READ the B-I-B-L-E! So I read, and read some more....read to Apple Cheeks each night......and she would point out to me what she learned in Chapel each week at school.
Yet, why haven't I been feeling as if I am maturing in His- Word?
Jump back a few months.
Life was skipping along. Football Superstar continued to see his team of doctors (past post) regarding his chronic migraines/ice pick in the head feeling. We, (I) began to read more about CTE...brain trauma.....injuries you name it. Any pro athlete who was experiencing brain disorder- I googled! The kids were doing fine. Routines were going about as always. Football Superstar even with all his pain- never once got angry- he continues to work- pray- and most of all thanks God. And you know, I found myself feeling at ease. Knowing my past would have been to blame God, and walk around with an Italian chip on my shoulders claiming that we will all be just fine. One way or another.
Now jump ahead.
My dear friend and co-worker Marshal invited us to attend a church he began visiting - not too far from where we live. We did just that. The Sunday before New Years Eve. My husband and I enjoyed the service. Pastor G was great. The atmosphere inviting. We agree to return for another service. As we head back to the Sunday school classrooms- there is Apple Cheeks smiling from ear to ear. Without any prompting she announces: "Mamma.... I always want to come to this church....it's just like a real school!" There- you have it- out of the mouth of babes.
We have been attending there since. Football Superstar and I have been taking a course "The Truth Project". We are currently planning a mission trip to Philadelphia with the instate mission groups who reach out to drug users and prostitutes. Where have I found myself working with this population before?
I say to my husband..... now I feel myself dancing again. And I'm in step. After a few really bad tangos of trying to help people who truly didn't want my help- or be there for the friend in need- who would rather take the "I'll never have what you have" approach, I began to sink in what felt like quick sand. My energy level dropped right before Christmas.
"I can't do this anymore!!!" I announced to Football Superstar.
He pulls me close and says to me "What have I've been trying to say to you?" "Real love is sometimes walking away from someone- and allowing them to return".
If anyone knows me- that's hard.
But my dancing shoes were pulled back on- Riverdance this time!
I feel so much has blossomed in my heart. I watch my youngest daughter's faith grow like sunflowers in a field. I follow my husbands lead and listen to his passion and commitment in our Heavenly Father. Football Superstar is my anchor. I don't know what I would do without him.
Well, he says I would know what to do...... and yes, I probably would...... but it's so amazing and attractive to watch ones husband be such a leader. I still keep a stash of chocolate in my secret place~ I didn't say we were living in Stepford!
Between my hacking up a lung and typing~ I stop to take in the view from my bedroom window.
There is nothing on the trees, bright white clouds flutter along from the high winds -I can almost see Maryland.
I feel so content and very blessed.
I want to thank my new friend "Catholic Mary". She was visiting the high school where I work- and one day I hope to have permission to post about her mission. Finally we are able to meet over tea. As a matter of fact it was this Friday- yes, before I blew out a lung.
We are two ladies- both as we Catholics put it "born and raised" Catholic.
We instantly connected. I feel like a little girl who has a new friend in the neighborhood!
God has given me so many avenues....... connected me to so many wonderful new beginnings.
He has opened the door many times- now I must continue to dance without hesitation.
I don't have a "bucket list". I have a basket. No list is in this basket. Only maps- which I will pray that these maps can lead me to where I am needed.
Thank you "Catholic Mary". You have inspired me - and I hope to have a new dance partner.
PS....I apologize for any type-os! As I was about to hit "post" my very loving and adoring- concerned about me dog Sam jumped up on the bed. His rather large paw hit delete!
I'm not about to try again..........