Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bits&Pieces from my bed*

What better time then today to post from my journal. 
While I've been in bed all weekend fighting what seems to be a war inside my chest~ I at least have the quietness of my bedroom.  This morning as my family attends church- I find my adoring cat September right by my side.  No matter which way I shift for comfort- she makes sure to shift her soft warm body- purrs echo like a freight train.  I wonder..... does she know I am sick?  Is it her loving affectionate nature to stay by my side....     no.   She just wants to stay warm like any other day....except I'm in her spot!       the thought sounded sweet though didn't it.

It's been since October 2012~   I haven't felt the "umph" of writing.   I haven't written anything in my personal journal for some time now.......   it feels like forever. 
I've found myself dancing poorly  and as I claim to be above average dancer- my coordination or steps have been thrown off.   I've danced around my faith.  Not loosing it....or questioning it.... but needing once again direction.   The church we have been attending for the past 18 give or take months was/has been/continues to go through changes.   New staff, a new lead Pastor- which equaled less direction for me.     Football Superstar was not saying much ....  but he could sense I was fidgeting in my seat at church like an elementary school student.   Yes, yes, yes, I know that it should NOT be ME expecting only the church to give ME what knowledge I's also my RESPONSIBILITY to READ the B-I-B-L-E!      So I read, and read some to Apple Cheeks each night......and she would point out to me what she learned in Chapel each week at school.
Yet, why haven't I been feeling as if I am maturing in His- Word?

Jump back a few months.
Life was skipping along.   Football Superstar continued to see his team of doctors (past post) regarding his chronic migraines/ice pick in the head feeling.    We, (I) began to read more about CTE...brain trauma.....injuries you name it. Any pro athlete who was experiencing brain disorder- I googled!       The kids were doing fine.  Routines were going about as always.   Football Superstar even with all his pain- never once got angry- he continues to work- pray- and most of all thanks God.  And you know, I found myself feeling at ease.   Knowing my  past would have been to blame God, and walk around with an Italian chip on my shoulders claiming that we will all be just fine.   One way or another.

Now jump ahead.
My dear friend and co-worker Marshal invited us to attend a church he began visiting - not too far from where we live.   We did just that.  The Sunday before New Years Eve.    My husband and I enjoyed the service.   Pastor G was great.   The atmosphere inviting.    We agree to return for another service.   As we head back to the Sunday school classrooms- there is Apple Cheeks smiling from ear to ear.   Without any prompting she announces:   "Mamma.... I always want to come to this's just like a real school!"              There- you have it- out of the mouth of babes.

We have been attending there since.   Football Superstar and I have been taking a course "The Truth Project".      We are currently planning a mission trip to Philadelphia with the instate mission groups who reach out to drug users and prostitutes.   Where have I found myself working with this population before?    
I say to my husband..... now I feel myself dancing again.   And I'm in step.    After a few really bad tangos of trying to help people who truly didn't want my help- or be there for the friend in need- who  would rather take the "I'll never have what you have" approach, I began to sink in what felt like quick sand.   My energy level dropped right before Christmas.   
"I can't do this anymore!!!" I announced to Football Superstar.   
He pulls me close and says to me "What have I've been trying to say to you?"      "Real love is sometimes walking away from someone- and allowing them to return".
If anyone knows me- that's hard.  
But my dancing shoes were pulled back on- Riverdance this time!
I feel so much has blossomed in my heart.   I watch my youngest daughter's faith grow like sunflowers in a field.   I follow my husbands lead and listen to his passion and commitment in our Heavenly Father.    Football Superstar is my anchor.   I don't know what I would do without him.
Well, he says I would know what to do......   and yes, I probably would......  but it's so amazing and attractive to watch ones husband be such a leader.     I still keep a stash of chocolate in my secret place~ I didn't say we were living in Stepford!

Between my hacking up a lung and typing~ I stop to take in the view from my bedroom window.
There is nothing on the trees, bright white clouds flutter along from the high winds -I can almost see Maryland.   

I feel so content and very blessed. 

I want to thank my new friend "Catholic Mary".    She was visiting the high school where I work- and one day I hope to have permission to post about her mission.      Finally we are able to meet over tea.  As a matter of fact it was this Friday- yes, before I blew out a lung.
We are two ladies- both as we Catholics put it "born and raised" Catholic. 
We instantly connected.   I feel like a little girl who has a new friend in the neighborhood!
God has given me so many avenues....... connected me to so many wonderful new beginnings.
He has opened the door many times- now I must continue to dance without hesitation.
I don't have a "bucket list".   I have a basket.    No list is in this basket.  Only maps- which I will pray that these maps can lead me to where I am needed.  
    Thank you "Catholic Mary".   You have inspired me - and I hope to have a new dance partner.


 PS....I apologize for any type-os!   As I was about to hit "post" my very loving and adoring- concerned about me dog Sam jumped up on the bed.  His rather large paw hit delete!
I'm not about to try again..........  

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The First Birthday*

October 13th~  this was my Mother's birthday.    The first year without her.  

I woke up that Saturday morning with a pretty busy "to do" list.
Things that I managed to put off the weekend before now were priorities for this day.
I thought about her.  
I wondered why I wasn't sad,  or crying because I can no longer physically touch her.
I can no longer take a morning drive up north and give her a pretty little birthday card
covered with flowers (daisies) on the front~ stating "Happy Birthday to a Wonderful Mother".

The years before when I would make that birthday visit - right before she began to fade
in the depths of dementia, I would watch her frail hands open the envelope (most likely pink or ivory) that contained her card.  She would slowly look at the front- her lips would move as she barely whisper the words.   She would smile at me~ then hand me the card to place on her nightstand.

I thought about this Saturday morning as I poured my coffee. 
I didn't cry.   I didn't feel sadness as I thought I would have. 
Was I wrong not to?

I spoke later with Football Superstar- and I feel as if the two years before my mother passed away-
I already knew that my mourning period began.   I knew the birthdays were no longer the important part of my visits.  Just sitting by her chair side, or sitting across her bed as she slept was important.
Holding her hand.   Listening to her breath.   Just quietness.
But still a visit no less.

God gave us the gift of love~ and with that comes remembrance.   Memories sketched in our minds to never forget the cherished moments we have with our loved ones.
And perhaps this is why I did not cry on October 13th.    I felt loved.  I felt her love.   Always will.

I love you ~ now close your little peepers will always be sketched in my mind.
I love you too mommy*


Sunday, September 30, 2012

Take time to........

Time is precious.  I could say....for me..... that lately my time is rare.   But yet, I find time to do things that I admit....... are not always those things on my priority list.  
I find time to call my family back home......   and I find time to jump on my laptop to do just what should be done last.      My family has the first time slot.    My friends don't always get so lucky for the second time slot because by the time - my time comes for me to do what I want to do- or need to do........   my time is short.    Or is it that I'm short on time.     And, ahum......   my time for dedication.      ouch.
Today, as I sit here typing because I had the time to do so.....or I made the time to do so....... I look around my home at my family and feel this is the time of my life when things seem so in place.  Even with illnesses and injuries.   He  has is  continues to guide me.
I wonder at this time in my life what comes next.   What is next in His plan for
And only at His time will this happen.  

Tomorrow is October 1st.    I try to think where did the time go in September?!!
So because this time seems to be going so quickly for me.......for all of us...... I want to find more time to do what is needed to do.   And my list of Taking Time For:    grows each moment.

I want to make time for others.   I want to give more of my time to those who have nothing- when I should be so fortunate for what our Father has given- me.    Making time to thank him is priority!

You know that old saying;  "take time to smell the roses".......  I would have to say for's
"take time and give time".

What time do you have?


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Summers Close

As much as I wanted summer to begin.....and stay for a very long time.......I am now inviting autumn.
I should be thankful for having the summers off~ to enjoy the hot summer days swimming, biking with Apple Cheeks and spending time with friends.
This summer I found myself falling by the wayside in my daily prayers.  
My time for talking with Jesus was not a focus.   I find myself from time to time having to discipline (me) once again.   
When I sit here and write (now type) thinking of what I (my family) did throughout summer- not sure I should admit that I did not take time for devotion.   And if and when I did.....  it was quick. 
I certainly took time to ask Him questions...... or ask the "whys" and "why not" that is for certain!
I picture Jesus sitting across from me shaking his head......  as I do at myself.

Why was Football Superstar going through so much pain?     Instead, I should have been thanking for what we did have....and what options were given to Football Superstar.   
Why are doctors so incredibly short for time?   Why are they not giving us, my husband, me, him, us, me, me, me, me, me, me.........  their precious time?

I had questions.   Am I no different from any other patient?    Oh, you are correct.... I am not the one suffering from chronic pain.    Sorry, didn't want to confuse you- my husband was is the patient.
My thoughts went something like this:
"Dear Doctor Littletime,
I would like very much for you to listen to me.   I would like for you to not worry about your golf outing..... nor should you be looking at your Rolodex, lunch can be warmed up in the microwave.   I don't truly care if you don't care to hear about my issues, oh, yeah, sorry.... my husbands health issues.    Funny, did I say my issues?
Now that I have your attention............................."

This suffering heartache went on for a number of months. Then, when we thought this chronic pain would be a life long attachment for me my husband- Dr. R. came into our lives.
Dr. R. sat for 57 long minutes with my husband - and me.   He talked in length of my husbands medical history......his football injuries.....his visits with a neurologist.....headache/back/neck pain......our lifestyle......stress.....(why do I feel a little guilty on that one) and to top it
After a series of test, and semi results.....Football Superstars pain has improved. 
It's amazing what can happen when you have the right listener.   oh, doctor.

Now, as I was saying......   as for my suffering heartache....... my selfishness of wanting my life with my husband to be as it was one year ago....... I had to just STOP..... stop making my chronic complaints to Him about poor ol' me.
Because of all the other summers I had with my husband to enjoy taking trips, or just sitting by the pool, taking in a dinner for just the two of us, watching a late night movie together......this is the only summer in our married life that was thrown off by a detour.   We had each other.  
I wasn't the one who may have had the MRI come back with a  red mark indicating what the rest of my life will be.    
So because I allowed this pain to attack me...... I stopped talking to the most important person I should have been going to all along.   Not "Dr. Littletime"..... and probably not Dr. R.
Our Savior.

Why is it I hear the song "How do you solve a problem like Maria"........ 

PS....if any of you ladies would like to stop by a new business blog I've created with my friend- please feel free to do so!    Would love to have some followers!   : )                 
Two Vintage Gypsies.....featuring Simple Dimple & Rose Cottage*

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Dog and his Man

He strolls down the sidewalk.......tail flagging as he greets joggers and an occasional speed-walker just barely glancing down at this majestic senior dog.  He doesn't seem to care if you are looking at him directly or not.
No eye contact or eye contact.  If you don't love him, he still loves you.  Just dare to try and walk past and not glance- just dare to not notice his gleaming reddish-golden coat.   Chest out....head up high with a wide open smile on his doggy face.
Yes, that's the dog.  He's the DOG.  
What's he thinking as he walks down the sidewalk- the same sidewalk he's been walking down for the past 2 years since he has lived here in this new town with his human family.  For the human, it's the same trees, the same cars, the same houses, the same road signs, the same familiar sidewalk.  Of course for the human, it's a good walk.  Relaxing (for the most part when the DOG is not stopping for "doo-ty call")  while taking in the fresh early morning summer air.   But for the DOG, what's he thinking?   Does he look up at the air bus coming in low for Dulles airport?   Does he think "wow...we should dodge the big plane...or hope the pilot knows what he's doin' "!    like the human with him does.
Does the DOG look at the crystal blue sky along with all the feathered and say "wow...look what GOD created".    What is this dog thinking?     His character never changes.   He has the same reaction every morning.  As if he has never gone for a walk before..... as if the scenery is if it was the best walk ever..... as if the world could end tomorrow and this walk-right here today is the best-darn-walk-this -dog has been on in 9 years!      or EVER been on in 9 years!

This same DOG has a couple humans he lives with.  But he "owns" a Man.  This man works long hours...and at times does not have the energy to go for walks or be the attentive doggy-dad he wishes to be.
This Dog's human has been under the weather.   As his human goes through a series of test for pain, and chronic headaches.....the dog knows.   He knows that his human - the one he waits for at the door each evening to come in and greet is thrown off somewhat.  Not the usual character for this human who just happens to be owned by the dog.
During a long 3 month ordeal of testing and doctor visits, the human comes home to sit on the couch..... just waiting for the pain to subside.  
And the Dog..... he walks over to his human and stares in his eyes.  He takes his strong broad head ever so gently and nudges the human as if to say "I'm here".   While the human has his hand on the broad golden head.....there is a sigh, and a smile.... (I swear it was from both)  and still the dog does not take his eyes off the human he owns.   Now, what is this dog thinking?      There are no trees or birds to distract this dog..... there are no joggers or walkers passing by......or other dogs to play with.....or to show off for. 
It's just a quiet room with his human.       As the rest of the household prepares for bed, the dog waits for his human to make the move.     His human gets up.......makes the gesture it's time for bed.   The dog waits as his human takes his medication......brushes his teeth.......and slides into bed before the dog goes to check out the rest of the household.   Everyone is tucked in.   The cat (oh, yeah...that darn cat he thinks) is finally content with her night time snack.  
The dog walks back into the bedroom and once again- with his strong broad head gently nudges his human as if to say "good-night".  
And of course, the other human he owns takes him back out for his night time "doo-ty call".   Back in the house..... back in the bedroom.....back to check on his human.....and then lights out.   As our Samuel retreats to his favorite corner of the bedroom- I see that smile.   Oh, that golden smile.  
Good-night, he seems to say.        
But what are you thinking my dear dog?     I guess it doesn't really matter..... all is good in his mind.
 Peace&'s good to be back posting!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Still here...and there....and....

Wow, it feels like forever since I have posted anything...actually it has been forever!
I am still here....going there.....feeling as if I'm spread about everywhere.   
Finding very little time to sit behind a computer and type- finding little time to journal.

I miss blogging.   I miss being able to catch up with you and read latest postings.

For now...know that I am still here.   And I hope you don't go away either!  : )
Hoping you are all having a wonderful summer...... until I find more time.
Peace & Love,

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

A Mother's Love

Whether she's here or in heaven,
 Mother's love is our haven and guide,
For always the memory of Mother
is a beacon light shining inside.
Time cannot destroy the memory,
and years can never erase
The tenderness and beauty
of the love in a mother's face.
And when we think of our mothers,
we draw nearer to God above,
For only God in His greatness
could fashion a mother's love.

                               Helen Steiner Rice

I woke up early this morning.   There was a cool breeze- fresh spring air.
Hazelnut coffee in my favorite white bone china mug.
As I sat on my balcony enjoying my coffee (6:30 am) the kids are sleeping- Football Superstar is with me and Sam on the balcony.  Quietness surrounds us.   Football Superstar already knows what the plans are for the day.   This was it.   I didn't want to get out of my favorite comfy PJ's for all the chocolate in the world.
I sat with my feet up for at least an hour.  Then it was more coffee- something to snack on- and back to the world of a blue sky and birds singing in delight as they moved from tree to tree.
Sam - our golden retriever- is in position- nose pinned through the rails of our balcony- waiting anxiously for one of the "Rambo Squirrels" to pass by.
Right before Football Superstar returned from a refill on his coffee- I had that moment.

I felt the loss of my mother once again.  
The past three years were hard watching her health decline- and celebrations were not easy for any of my family members- we all wanted her to physically and mentally be able to share in the joy of well....what we were enjoying.   Why not?   My mother the matriarch of our family.

I can't speak for my siblings....but my selfishness wanted my mother so badly to witness all the wonders and joy that was taking place.   Birthdays, holidays, picnics and Bocce ball tournaments in their backyard.

Last year for Mother's Day- I went alone for my visit.  I arrived at the nursing home before my sister and father.  I had twenty minutes to sit and hold her hand. 
After one of my visits prior to this day- I had a total break down right by her side.   She refused to her youngest and emotionally fragile began to hysterically cry and beg her to eat.   My mother turned to me holding my hand quietly and lovingly tells me not to cry.   She tries to wipe my tears with one of her crinkled tissues.   The only eye contact I had with her at that moment.   We may have sat there for only five seconds- but if felt like forever that she looked deeply into my blue eyes with her  green eyes.
This year- I do not have her green eyes to look into.

Today I miss her.  Terribly.    I become selfish again.   I want my mother here with me.
I want to tell her how much I love her.   I need her to give me suggestions for raising a teenage daughter.
I want her to see the life I live today.   
I want her to see my marriage- my happiness and my peace.
I want to hear her laugh.     I want to hear her voice.

As the door opens - Football Superstar walks out to join me for more coffee and quietness.
He asked if I was doing "okay".   He knew.   How did he know?    Geez, this man is tuned in!
I smiled letting him know I was "okay". 
As I looked down at Sam, I then glanced over by the pretty pink and white Impatience that my children bought for me..... Apple Cheeks and I planted them yesterday.    And next to my big shaggy dogs left paw was my mother's large ginger jar that held pretty pink Impatience. 

Happy Mother's Day.
With Love & Peace