Tuesday- January 31st. It was a very warm and sunny morning. The drive to Pennsylvania was long- longer than usual- even with very little early morning traffic.
I was alone. Drinking coffee and listening to a local DC station deliver the latest of events and traffic along with the weather forecast almost seemed foreign. My mind was in fast mode and I wanted to break the speed limit even though my car wouldn't allow me to do so.
My mother was dying.
Thoughts poured into my mind- like my last visit with her. Pleasant - quiet.
My last few visits with her were just that. She would barely lift her head to make eye contact. Her frail body propped by a single pillow kept her from slumping over, yet she (to me), looked so uncomfortable. Her once beautiful green eyes were always closed, well, maybe one eye would open slightly to indicate she was acknowledging your presence. And on a good day, she would hold your hand- firmly. For me, holding her petite- but strong hand felt as if she was still in control of my every move. I was a small child again, holding her hand while we strolled along the busy New Jersey boardwalk or Trick-or Treat night dressed as Cinderella. I felt safe.
My car smelled of her favorite body splash and perfumes. I could hear my Mother on the other end of the phone laughing as we would watch a television show together. I felt guilty knowing I really never apologized for being such a stubborn young woman. knowing best for MY life in NYC or any other place I decided to trace off to
By the time I arrived at my parent's home my sister was on the phone with the nursing home.....my father greets me at the door to tell me she passed. In that moment my mind went blank.
At the nursing home we sat with her until she the funeral director arrived. It almost seemed as if she was sleeping. Her hands were folded across her chest simply......almost as if she placed her hands in that position. Calmly. Her skin was so soft. And flawless.
In the days to come my time with my siblings and our father was busy and somewhat disorganized. I don't know, how do you really prepare for death and what comes after.
I've been informed by some how they "prepared" for the death of their loved one. really?
Even with a disease that has haunted your loved one or an illness that has a lottery on you - can you truly prepare for the loss....... asking God to give strength and guidance was something I needed to do..... for months I've been saying goodbye to my Mother. I knew it was only a matter of time. My husband would listen and give (me) support, and help me to understand this walk. But when Tuesday morning came to be I was not ready- prepared to say goodbye.
Today I hear her. I smell Jeanne Nate' body splash. I hear her voice and I see those green eyes focused on every move I make. I feel her inside of my own parenting. funny how I always said I'll never be my MOTHER!
As I wrote about my Mother in another post, she was a wonderful Mother.
My sister, brother and I were very lucky. So was my Father.
I look back at my childhood and today as an adult with "thanksgiving". her favorite holiday
Lord,
Make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love'
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.
In loving memory of my Mother - October 13, 1929- January 31, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
A Godly Child
I had the opportunity to listen to a teacher talk about her student. A little girl.
As I listened to this teacher, a wave of emotions took over my mind and my body. I laughed, cried and even bit my lip a few times. It was quite a story. I must admit I'm glad I was "invited" to listen.
This child is forgiving and loving. She finds time in her day to hug her friends when they are sad, and never hesitates to tell them she will "say a prayer" for them. Her one classmate lost his mommy last year to cancer. This little girl knows that her classmate is sad.....he misses his mommy and at times misbehaves. The little girl continues to pray for him.
The teacher spoke of this little girl as a "Godly child". One who truly carries Jesus in her little heart. She is eager to learn in Bible class and wants to hear more about Jesus.
This little girl wants to please. She wants to give and wants to help.
I heard words like "forgiving", "happy", "loving" and a "child of God" repeated often.
This teacher had tears in her eyes when she spoke of her "babies". She told me that the entire kindergarten class are her babies and she loves them all! She giggled as she wiped her eyes......and I could see the genuine love in her face for these children. But the little girl she spoke of stood out in my mind..... my own heart.
It's these precious years that are so important to give children the foundation of Truth.
But as we teach our children about God, there will be a time when they follow their own hearts and minds. We can only pray they continue their journeys. Truth.
All I can say, is I'm sure this little girl's mommy & daddy are very proud of her. : )
Peace&Love
As I listened to this teacher, a wave of emotions took over my mind and my body. I laughed, cried and even bit my lip a few times. It was quite a story. I must admit I'm glad I was "invited" to listen.
This child is forgiving and loving. She finds time in her day to hug her friends when they are sad, and never hesitates to tell them she will "say a prayer" for them. Her one classmate lost his mommy last year to cancer. This little girl knows that her classmate is sad.....he misses his mommy and at times misbehaves. The little girl continues to pray for him.
The teacher spoke of this little girl as a "Godly child". One who truly carries Jesus in her little heart. She is eager to learn in Bible class and wants to hear more about Jesus.
This little girl wants to please. She wants to give and wants to help.
I heard words like "forgiving", "happy", "loving" and a "child of God" repeated often.
This teacher had tears in her eyes when she spoke of her "babies". She told me that the entire kindergarten class are her babies and she loves them all! She giggled as she wiped her eyes......and I could see the genuine love in her face for these children. But the little girl she spoke of stood out in my mind..... my own heart.
It's these precious years that are so important to give children the foundation of Truth.
But as we teach our children about God, there will be a time when they follow their own hearts and minds. We can only pray they continue their journeys. Truth.
All I can say, is I'm sure this little girl's mommy & daddy are very proud of her. : )
Peace&Love
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Face
I finally decided to blog this evening. I've struggled on what to write exactly.....trying to keep my post short -yet interesting. As most of you know I have been experiencing a block. I find a quiet moment in my home. Grand Central Station is rarely quiet and calm. but even then my mind goes blank. Except for this one thing that continues to flow through my mind.
But, do I write about it? Shouldn't I keep writing about my journey? Shouldn't I keep my blog post following my every move......after all that is how this So I begin- began.
We have been spoiled by the warm weather over the past few weeks. But one chilly afternoon I ran to Wal-Mart for a few items. I was alone. Which that itself is unusual, perhaps I should carry my journal with me for those quiet moments! I'm waiting 2 cars back at the traffic light. One must be alert because when the light turns green here in the metro area it's like the Indianapolis 500....people race to get to the next traffic light and if you are not ready.....you will get blown over by a Lexus SUV or a Mercede's sedan. Which isn't hard for my "hippy mom's" Subaru Forester. That afternoon I didn't worry about the Lexus running me over to get to Route 28. I couldn't take my eyes off of the man who stood on the concrete island at the traffic light. His face looked tired and his clothes were soiled. He was wearing appropriate clothing for this chilly Tuesday afternoon. His recycled cardboard sign said: "HOMELESS". That was it. No "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" or "NEEDS A JOB".
I've seen faces like this over and over, a dozen times over when I worked as a case worker in the city's homeless shelter. I've watched people come and go with all kinds of "Reason #1's"
This man shouldn't affect me like I've never seen a homeless person before. After all, my most memorable client, "Ginny" the 80 year old street rat placed me in the case workers "Hall of Fame"! Joking of course....but Ginny certainly made each day either a disaster or a delight.
So why am I unable to erase this mans face away from my memory. The man who pulled up beside me on Route 7 in his sporty little BMW looked like the homeless man. The young man who bagged my groceries at Wegmans had his face! Even one night as I'm trying to watch the weather channel there he was reporting DC's forecast for the weekend!
Football Superstar listens with compassion. But he can't erase the face from my mind.
You may be wondering why I'm writing about my attempt to forget a man's face that I never met. You may be wondering why it is affecting me like it is. If you figure it out....call me because I would love to know!
All I can say is as we drive each day to our destination(s), we are absorbed. With what to order at Starbucks. We are driven my earning more money. We are obsessed with reality shows and or entertainers who are behaving badly. At work all I hear about is the Republican party candidates. Sorry...but it's like "Who's Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs". I'm just as guilty of placing "something" in the center of my day. Chocolate comes to mind. My Subaru will blow over the Lexus for that very reason.
Was he someones father?
Was he someones husband? Or Is he?
Is he ill (mentally/physically)?
He's alone.
He's someones son.
I didn't want to think he did something such as a crime.
I've tried to place issues aside just so I can raise my children, be a wife, go to work without having some sort of "current event" tripping me. I'm always trying to get to the bottom of something. Why can't I "save" or fix it.
Subjects such as racism, teen pregnancy, suicide, child abuse, animal abuse and homelessness have been on my "To Do" list for many many years.
These past few days I've been able to do just that. I placed those topics aside. I may hear or witness a gripping story. I may be saddened by the fire that destroyed a home in DC. But with all this I still can't erase that face......the face that didn't look angry or sad. Even though he looked tired he did not appear to be anxious. He almost looked- peaceful.
Someone mentioned to me perhaps he was testing his fellow NoVa's to see who would stop.
I don't know...... Maybe I'm not to know. Maybe I'm to do.
Peace&Love
But, do I write about it? Shouldn't I keep writing about my journey? Shouldn't I keep my blog post following my every move......after all that is how this So I begin- began.
We have been spoiled by the warm weather over the past few weeks. But one chilly afternoon I ran to Wal-Mart for a few items. I was alone. Which that itself is unusual, perhaps I should carry my journal with me for those quiet moments! I'm waiting 2 cars back at the traffic light. One must be alert because when the light turns green here in the metro area it's like the Indianapolis 500....people race to get to the next traffic light and if you are not ready.....you will get blown over by a Lexus SUV or a Mercede's sedan. Which isn't hard for my "hippy mom's" Subaru Forester. That afternoon I didn't worry about the Lexus running me over to get to Route 28. I couldn't take my eyes off of the man who stood on the concrete island at the traffic light. His face looked tired and his clothes were soiled. He was wearing appropriate clothing for this chilly Tuesday afternoon. His recycled cardboard sign said: "HOMELESS". That was it. No "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" or "NEEDS A JOB".
I've seen faces like this over and over, a dozen times over when I worked as a case worker in the city's homeless shelter. I've watched people come and go with all kinds of "Reason #1's"
This man shouldn't affect me like I've never seen a homeless person before. After all, my most memorable client, "Ginny" the 80 year old street rat placed me in the case workers "Hall of Fame"! Joking of course....but Ginny certainly made each day either a disaster or a delight.
So why am I unable to erase this mans face away from my memory. The man who pulled up beside me on Route 7 in his sporty little BMW looked like the homeless man. The young man who bagged my groceries at Wegmans had his face! Even one night as I'm trying to watch the weather channel there he was reporting DC's forecast for the weekend!
Football Superstar listens with compassion. But he can't erase the face from my mind.
You may be wondering why I'm writing about my attempt to forget a man's face that I never met. You may be wondering why it is affecting me like it is. If you figure it out....call me because I would love to know!
All I can say is as we drive each day to our destination(s), we are absorbed. With what to order at Starbucks. We are driven my earning more money. We are obsessed with reality shows and or entertainers who are behaving badly. At work all I hear about is the Republican party candidates. Sorry...but it's like "Who's Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs". I'm just as guilty of placing "something" in the center of my day. Chocolate comes to mind. My Subaru will blow over the Lexus for that very reason.
Was he someones father?
Was he someones husband? Or Is he?
Is he ill (mentally/physically)?
He's alone.
He's someones son.
I didn't want to think he did something such as a crime.
I've tried to place issues aside just so I can raise my children, be a wife, go to work without having some sort of "current event" tripping me. I'm always trying to get to the bottom of something. Why can't I "save" or fix it.
Subjects such as racism, teen pregnancy, suicide, child abuse, animal abuse and homelessness have been on my "To Do" list for many many years.
These past few days I've been able to do just that. I placed those topics aside. I may hear or witness a gripping story. I may be saddened by the fire that destroyed a home in DC. But with all this I still can't erase that face......the face that didn't look angry or sad. Even though he looked tired he did not appear to be anxious. He almost looked- peaceful.
Someone mentioned to me perhaps he was testing his fellow NoVa's to see who would stop.
I don't know...... Maybe I'm not to know. Maybe I'm to do.
Peace&Love
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Very Merry......Friendship(s)
This has been a very long break. Way too long. Not only due to my computer making a crash landing, but my mind did as well.
Each time I would sit down to journal there was this _______. (blank)
I could think of nothing. Those who know me would say this is a first. Me without words is like Mickey Mouse without Minnie. Like a fine wine without the richest cheese.
I've experienced this once before but this time I think my lack of words- my conversations with Him have stood still like water in a puddle. Most of the time my mind flows like a fast moving stream along the side of a meadow. I can see the water racing along the rocks and broken branches from pines. I can smell the wild flowers and grasses that grow throughout the meadow. And that is what brings the words to my mind. What happened? Why does this happen?
Why do I feel as if my compass has broken?
I'm surrounded by wonders. My husband, my children and friends. My job is secure, my future looks bright. But what makes us (me) lose focus- or direction?
The other night I opened my journal..... again.......nothing. I prayed.
This morning I decided to log onto my blog. I noticed two comments from November.
Shame on me.
And here I am......my mind racing again like the river along the meadow. My (blogging) friends who I not only appreciate but respect and admire. When I read your words- it not only gives me inspiration but I know it is reality. Your own spiritual journey. One day I hope our paths cross. And for those who I have met.....I hope to meet with you again.
What's next? For this new season......this new year that is approaching........I will stay connected. I must. This is what races through my mind. The river flows.
I want to smell the meadow.......
Happy New Year to you all.
And thanks for not giving up on my blog! : )
Peace&Love
Lis
Each time I would sit down to journal there was this _______. (blank)
I could think of nothing. Those who know me would say this is a first. Me without words is like Mickey Mouse without Minnie. Like a fine wine without the richest cheese.
I've experienced this once before but this time I think my lack of words- my conversations with Him have stood still like water in a puddle. Most of the time my mind flows like a fast moving stream along the side of a meadow. I can see the water racing along the rocks and broken branches from pines. I can smell the wild flowers and grasses that grow throughout the meadow. And that is what brings the words to my mind. What happened? Why does this happen?
Why do I feel as if my compass has broken?
I'm surrounded by wonders. My husband, my children and friends. My job is secure, my future looks bright. But what makes us (me) lose focus- or direction?
The other night I opened my journal..... again.......nothing. I prayed.
This morning I decided to log onto my blog. I noticed two comments from November.
Shame on me.
And here I am......my mind racing again like the river along the meadow. My (blogging) friends who I not only appreciate but respect and admire. When I read your words- it not only gives me inspiration but I know it is reality. Your own spiritual journey. One day I hope our paths cross. And for those who I have met.....I hope to meet with you again.
What's next? For this new season......this new year that is approaching........I will stay connected. I must. This is what races through my mind. The river flows.
I want to smell the meadow.......
Happy New Year to you all.
And thanks for not giving up on my blog! : )
Peace&Love
Lis
Friday, November 25, 2011
Computer Crashing! {pout}
Hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Giving thanks with your family and friends.......
I'm out of the loop once again...
my computer made a crash....not a crash landing.
So until it's up and running.....or one is purchased. I will be checking in on my blogging friends wonderful stories....
but I will not be posting until I can get my computer back- I'm using my hubby's lap top now and then. : )
Love&Peace
Lis
Giving thanks with your family and friends.......
I'm out of the loop once again...
my computer made a crash....not a crash landing.
So until it's up and running.....or one is purchased. I will be checking in on my blogging friends wonderful stories....
but I will not be posting until I can get my computer back- I'm using my hubby's lap top now and then. : )
Love&Peace
Lis
Friday, October 21, 2011
Lessons from a Forgiving Child
She was sitting on a bench - little legs dangling. All I could see was blonde hair and a rather large ice bag covering most of her face. She knew I was approaching because a few of her classmates were reporting each step I made. As I looked down at my sweet little girls face- all I could see was dried blood and tear stained cheeks. Her mouth was swollen - almost shut.
Her eyes opened wide when she finally noticed I was there. As I hugged her, she wanted to shout out words, but the injury to her mouth was not cooperating. The important message she had was for me to understand her injury was an accident. And she forgives "B" and "E" for pushing her -which made her fall into a chair leg causing a rather large laceration on her upper left lip.
As a mommy the first thing we want to do is comfort our children. To give them all the TLC we can.
But I also felt guilt- anger- frustration and sadness.
When Apple Cheeks told me the story, she not only told her daddy and sissy, but she wanted the entire medical staff that treated her in the ER to know that she "forgives" them.
wow.
What a lesson from my forgiving 5 year old!
My baby. My youngest. My little gift of sunshine.
As I sat with Football Superstar my emotions rolled into one. What I wanted to do was to approach the school /kids/parents- to give them a small fraction of my mind. (you know all those thoughts that tend to run through our mind- well my mind)
Don't worry....I didn't do anything. But I did learn something.
I learned that if a child could sit through pain- and walk out of the ER 4 hours later {well actually get carried by daddy} and still forgive- then what was I thinking? Where was my grace? Where was my forgiveness?
6 stitches=forgiveness
Love&Peace&Forgiveness
Lis
Friday, September 30, 2011
Rule of Life
Rule of Life. I hear this come out of Olivia's mouth over and over again- Olivia as in Olivia the hyper active piglet who test her mother and Mrs. Hogenmoller {teacher} patience.
Olivia's one liner comes either at the beginning or end of each show: Rule of Life #......
One rainy morning before I bravely headed out to grocery shop, I hear those words ringing in the background.....Apple Cheeks is watching....... Rule of Life #55..... ugh!!!
As I quickly make an exit to my car I couldn't help but hear Olivia..... her irritating little squealing pig voice...... rule of life.... rule of life.... rule of life!!!!
* * * * * * * *
The week is in full tilt. Wednesday evenings Football Superstar and I go to a prayer class hosted by our church. I must say I was apprehensive in the beginning- I felt prayer was private- only for me- only between God and myself- why would I want to share my prayers with others(?). complete strangers?
I'm learning there are a bazillion sorry ways to pray. I won't get in to the why's, how's, when and should we pray...... but something hit me this past Wednesday as I admitted to Esther our instructor/prayer leader that I did not do my homework! As we begin session #3- Model for Prayer- part 2, I'm listening to Esther yet I hear Olivia in the background. Yes, the pig.
Rules. Rules to live by. Ruling. Our Ruler.
To declare who God is. Jehovah-Rohi. Jehovah-Shalom. Jehovah-Shammah.
We are told to think on the implications of these names and you'll have plenty to praise God for! and there are more
I lived under certain "rules of life" for a very long time in my early Christian years. As a Roman Catholic I thought only our patron saints- the holy saints could pray successfully. Our rulers in the church had the monopoly on praying.
Rulers. Rule of Life.
God talked with man. I can talk with God.
God was in the garden with man. God is everywhere with me.
So why wouldn't we be able to talk with God? Anytime- anywhere?
To be real. To be ourselves. He already knows us.... so why not be revealing-- honest.
Prayer has some true power. I've learned recently
The Incredible POWER of Prayer.
"Prayer changes things....... and US!"
Ronald Dunn
Rule of Life #1. pray
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