Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Marriage = Love

After my divorce I never wanted to marry again- marry...I never wanted to think about a relationship!
That meant heart ache and pain. And I felt we "love" on all levels Why should I love someone again- more than I was given the love I felt I deserved back? follow that?

Dating+Relationships+Love = Doomed

One would never guess that I would have any of these feelings tagged on Love.
My family members were givers and receiver to love. The culture I grew up in, men hugged and kissed each other while greeting. Expression of love was never foreign.
What took me on the road to doom was the lack of trust, loyalty, honesty, respect and compassion in my past relationship. I'm not innocent of anything- my lack of this and that and the other added a very sour ingredient to the marriage. My thirst for wanting the perfect marriage- which included love, intimacy, laughter, trust, then children never happened.
Selfishness drove me to "forcing" the perfect marriage- my lack of knowledge of what is the "perfect marriage" drove me to sadness, emptiness and hatred.

Moving ahead - after meeting and becoming friends with Football Superstar allowing him into our lives for one I began to see that I am capable of trusting the opposite sex again.
Not just my father or brother!
I am able to open up- be myself and show the emotion that tends to leap out of my heart- LOVE. without barriers?
The protective wall and it's barbed wire were still in place- however, Football Superstar bravely began to clip the wire and knock down the wall. did I mention my wall was constructed of thick concrete

He got pricked by the wire and had a few bruises from the concrete- he isn't as fit as he had been while playing ball! wink
But he managed to get rid of the barrier between us. TRUST.
During our engagement and marriage we had a good "team" home life going.
There were tropical storms brewing but we managed to escape without getting too banged up or worse- drifted out to sea.
We were determined not to allow anyone or thing Tropical Storm(s) to damage us- what we had- our family- our kids.

And now- we become involved with LW's marriage ministry. Married Life Live is a fun and entertaining night for married couples. It's date night. It's a spin off of Saturday Night Live. There is fellowship and yummy desserts. The night is set up "club style" and the musical entertainment is awesome. very talented musicians/singers one of them being China Dolls guitar instructor
Football Superstar and I found our eyebrows raise at some of the topics that are discussed comedy style, but with a purpose. One reason we went back for other MLL nights.

While entertaining the thought of attending more conferences {parenting/marriage} or date nights we found ourselves growing. This included attending Alpha, Gamma and now my husband is involved with Mens Fraternity. He is now a facilitator.
I've watched my husband grow spiritually in ways I would have never thought there would be room to grow.
See, for Football Superstar, he wasn't exactly what I called an "average kinda guy".
Besides using a few added adjectives- he wasn't out partying it up on weekends with his partners from the office...he wasn't neglecting his fatherly duties....he wasn't doing anything to destroy our relationship....this man was worthy of my trust.
So where would any room for growth come into play in this ex athletes life?
He felt there was plenty of room for growth.
And now, as I listen to Football Superstar speak passionately about a friend who may be deeply struggling with his marriage, or a family member who finds themselves lost....I see the growth.
What was once important to him is now in the past. Or as he called it" A Sale Whore".
I know...that isn't a pretty thing to say...but that's exactly what his business world can be made up of. Not all of course keep that in mind as you read my words but for some of those high scaled business owners we have been connected with....this is very important.

Our marriage has grown even while we scramble with the "what to do's".
With career changes and a possible move in the future- there is absolute proof we are connected. We have a tie score on the score board. He's the lineman and I'm the cheerleader.
Our kids are the spectators. our fans?! They are watching this marriage win more than any Super Bowl. They are watching two adults they call mom and dad.
They are watching us work through the worst of times and love every moment of it.
Well...not every moment but we come out of the game showing all 3 of these kiddo's we mean it.
We married knowing we were "in love". But we now know love doesn't always equal marriage.

Marriage = Love


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Scrap Book

China Doll
Apple Cheeks
Birthday Girl!!
China Doll & September Moon
China Doll & Freckle Boy *I'm sure he isn't thrilled with this name....but I can't help myself!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Goin' Green/Goin' Christian

A decision to "Go Green" is not a hard one to make for me. I've always been cautious of my actions towards the environment. I have worn t-shirts shouting phrases for protection not only the air we breath.... but the animals who share our planet. I've protested for cleaner air and water- putting poachers in their place- put your cigarette butt in it's place.

Going Green for my household can be tricky with 2 teens and 1 pre-schooler. Especially when we do not have recycling- road side. We must drive recycles to a specific place.
Going Green also means continuously reminding ourselves and our children.
Using less water. Using less electricity. Using less gas. We have a Hybrid vehicle....and we are now sharing it! Talk about a test of marriage! {see future post}

Regardless on your view of the world- whether you go green, sage or mint- one thing you can count on is that you'll never receive a black mark for going that route. You may get eyes rolled at you- but I doubt you'll receive the black mark.

Bottom line: It's a lifestyle.

Our decision to "Go Christian" was somewhat of a challenge. for me
And how does one go about "going christian?" ???

If you have read other post I have written- I mention what hypocrites of the christian faith have done to damage my views. And now, I simply do not want to come across as if I were, was,is a hypocrite.......I want to come across as if I, well, recycled God.
Like recycling, living a christian life is challenging. It's a lifestyle. Not a "when you feel like it". Yet, becoming a christian by being a "do gooder" does not get your foot into heavens gate.
and I'll apologize ~just incase I say something damaging to my readers

Sadly, Christianity has a black mark.

For me, this journey has been the best journey I have taken. And like any trip we prep ourselves for- there are a few areas where you just can't perfectly prepare for.

Detours- road blocks-blurred vision-flat tire.

For myself, I needed to dispose of the thought that you can only be a true christian if you know the Bible from front to back- can recite scripture and understand it's meaning!
I am thankful to know christians who truly walk the walk..... I also know "christians" that constantly remind me that they are christians....they have always and forever been on the stairway to heaven. Or were they referring to the song? Don't know. Doesn't matter.

Following Christ for me is something I must remind myself of every moment- of every waking day. It's not the acts of kindness I'll do for my once employer the homeless's not about me picking up someone's trash and it's certainly not about me advertising that I am now a christian each time I pass you on the street. What I must make clear is that I am a believer.
I am a follower who struggles everyday with sinful thoughts. the glare I give the woman in line at Wal-Mart or the racist who lives in my community
I struggle with prayer. I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with those simple things that may come to others so easily. I'm not ashamed to admit those flaws I have as this newly recycled follower. My recycling of faith has been tested and proved to remain sturdy. I'll break or fold that's for sure....but I know where to take a nasty mess now. It will no longer linger for days....the mess is cleaned up and forgiven. No matter how big of a mess we make of our lives.
This new recycled {woman} mess has not changed so I"m told much. I'm still the happy-go-lucky chatter box, that will open my arms out to hug you and share a laugh- even if I do not know you.
Come on now....don't go crossing the street when you see me coming!

Bottom Line: It's a lifestyle.

Life Lesson: Recycling comes in all areas of our lives. If you do not recycle...give it some thought.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Now I lay me down to sleep....Part 2

After reading my e-mail, comments and chatting with a friend....I decided while I had this "down time" - today I would post part 2 of my Fears. {nighty-night prayer included}

The other night while writing in my prayer journal.....and getting side tracked is not uncommon for me......I began to have a conversation, well, with myself! It went something like this:

Self to Self: "you are truly strange....why is it that you can't let go?"
Self to Me: "let go of what???"
Self to Self: "the fact that your children are not possessions....they are people....they are not
yours to re-create.....mold......wrap in plastic or wads of toilet paper.....they are
human beings in need of love.... guidance......encouragement....."
Self to Me: "I can't help it"
Self to Self: "you're impossible!"
Self to Me: "that's exactly what Sister Mary Kathryn said in 5th grade"

{Today} I read the most encouraging mail...... I spoke to a dear friend with wise words.....
I read yet another e-mail that brought happy tears and yet sadness. All of these words whether they were on paper, computer or over the phone inspired me. They gave me insight. They placed my level of Fear on the lower step of the ladder.

I will not lie to you and say that fear will not creep up on me. Especially when in todays society most anything will creep up on us.
I will not purchase armor and insist China Doll wear it while driving with Freckle Boy as he is wrapped in bubble wrap. I will not stick Apple Cheeks in a snow globe, however she would love that! giggling

I realized that my children are "free agents". They are not mine to keep. They are my children.
They are my pride. They give me joy. most of the time : )
These 3 beautiful humans. Their age(s) make them children/teens. But they are no doubt humans with feelings, emotions and needs. Not bubble wrap. No flight wings clipped beyond to ever fly free.

I find myself telling a dear friend not to live vicariously through her your own life! Yet, as I do not live through my children......I'm stealing a part of their lives away.
Independence. Trust. And this is what Self said to Me. Give them this. They want it so badly. They deserve it from you- Self.

So, last evening came and knowing I would probably crack under my words....... I said it.....I said to Freckle Boy - "can't wait for the day when you can drive to Pet-Co and pick up cat litter".

Hugs. Laughter. He got what he wanted from me. Trust. Love. Loyalty. A mother who understands. *he is stretching his male wings
I'm cracking now....tears..... yet I feel so good.

Football Superstar and I are very lucky. While other parents of teen(s) are struggling we are not. But the struggle can rear it's ugly head at any time.
We have good kids. Not amazing. We have loving kids. Not perfect.
We are loving parents trying to be good.
We too are human beings.
And dang nabbit it's hard not to be human!

As I sit here watching my cat claw a favorite antique chair.....I have no fear she'll decrease it's value........ I smile knowing that I'm now free of fear- I am my own free agent. *note to Self....tatoo "free of fear" on left hand

Hugs, kisses, love & more hugs to all of you who have given me and my friend Self such fearless words of hope! *yes, an extra driver in the family will come in handy!
I am a very lucky woman.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Now I lay me down to sleep......

I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually post this. This part of me that still haunts me even though I commented in a recent post that I no longer have such fears. It's as if FEAR never really goes away for me.

Is it fear? Or is it worry?
I mean, when my cat claws at a favorite antique chair- do I have fear she will lesson the value?
No,that's worry. I'll probably never sell that old chippy chair anyway.

My fear is losing someone I love. My fear is losing one of my children to death. I find myself still fearing death.

I thought this vanished from my memory- that patch quilt held the fear patch and it was tucked away in a corner.

I now find myself thinking about death- again.

A few weeks ago friends lost their nephew to a car accident. "J" was only 11 years old.
A young life so full of hope. Energy. Love. Many years to live.
J.'s father and I are Godparents to his 14 year old cousin. J. was an only child.
I had no words for his parents. I had no words for his aunt whom I have known for 20 years.
My selfishness reminded me that I am so lucky. My children are all safe and sound at home.

After reading a blogger friends post last week I began to loosen my grip on death. The poem on her post was beautiful.
I watched a touching video.
I read yet another blogger friends post of a loved one who passed away after a motorcycle accident.
Each one of these post meant so much to me.
Some words made me go back to Michael's motorcycle accident.
I even commented on a blog - how we are to remember our loved ones- keep their memories alive- and be thankful to have had them in our lives, even if it was for a short time.
Now I'm thinking....who am I to even have said that?

When I think of Freckle Boy preparing for his license I do feel his excitement. I know all to well what that was like. So does my father!
When I think of China Doll preparing to drive with her brother I do feel her excitement.
I know what that was like sitting in Limo Drivers black Falcon going for Italian ice!
But then there is that I want Freckle Boy behind the wheel? Football Superstar is preparing himself for this as well.
Do I want China Doll in the passenger seat?
Do I want Apple Cheeks in the back seat going for ice cream?

As much as I can suck the fun out of their preparations- a drunk driver, aggressive driver or their own mistake could suck the life from them within seconds.

And this is what I hate about my fears. I'm allowing this darkness to take over my mind, body and soul. I'm allowing my need to control my children's safety to suck the life out of them.
did that make any sense?

Apple Cheeks prepares for bed. She and Piglet say their prayers before we tuck in.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep- Amen...........that's it. yes you can shake your head and tisk, tisk, tisk me I can not get myself to teach her the full prayer.
What is with that? I said it at her age. My parents never thought I would freak out over "if I should die before I wake....I pray the Lord my soul to take".
And most likely Apple Cheeks wouldn't either. Football Superstar and China Doll have both informed me that they will teach Apple Cheeks the entire prayer. is that a threat or promise? China Doll also feels I need to allow the flight wings to grow back. I have way too much fear I could bottle the stuff!
When did she grow up and get so smart?

Well, this may not have been a great read- but it is an honest one from me.

And don't worry- one of these nights Apple Cheeks will most likely be reciting her nighty-night prayer in it's entirety. That is if her big sissy and daddy get their way!

Life Lesson: Stop clipping flight wings. (well, soon)