Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Now I lay me down to sleep....Part 2

After reading my e-mail, comments and chatting with a friend....I decided while I had this "down time" - today I would post part 2 of my Fears. {nighty-night prayer included}

The other night while writing in my prayer journal.....and getting side tracked is not uncommon for me......I began to have a conversation, well, with myself! It went something like this:

Self to Self: "you are truly strange....why is it that you can't let go?"
Self to Me: "let go of what???"
Self to Self: "the fact that your children are not possessions....they are people....they are not
yours to re-create.....mold......wrap in plastic or wads of toilet paper.....they are
human beings in need of love.... guidance......encouragement....."
Self to Me: "I can't help it"
Self to Self: "you're impossible!"
Self to Me: "that's exactly what Sister Mary Kathryn said in 5th grade"

{Today} I read the most encouraging mail...... I spoke to a dear friend with wise words.....
I read yet another e-mail that brought happy tears and yet sadness. All of these words whether they were on paper, computer or over the phone inspired me. They gave me insight. They placed my level of Fear on the lower step of the ladder.

I will not lie to you and say that fear will not creep up on me. Especially when in todays society most anything will creep up on us.
I will not purchase armor and insist China Doll wear it while driving with Freckle Boy as he is wrapped in bubble wrap. I will not stick Apple Cheeks in a snow globe, however she would love that! giggling

I realized that my children are "free agents". They are not mine to keep. They are my children.
They are my pride. They give me joy. most of the time : )
These 3 beautiful humans. Their age(s) make them children/teens. But they are no doubt humans with feelings, emotions and needs. Not bubble wrap. No flight wings clipped beyond to ever fly free.

I find myself telling a dear friend not to live vicariously through her your own life! Yet, as I do not live through my children......I'm stealing a part of their lives away.
Independence. Trust. And this is what Self said to Me. Give them this. They want it so badly. They deserve it from you- Self.

So, last evening came and knowing I would probably crack under my words....... I said it.....I said to Freckle Boy - "can't wait for the day when you can drive to Pet-Co and pick up cat litter".

Hugs. Laughter. He got what he wanted from me. Trust. Love. Loyalty. A mother who understands. *he is stretching his male wings
I'm cracking now....tears..... yet I feel so good.

Football Superstar and I are very lucky. While other parents of teen(s) are struggling we are not. But the struggle can rear it's ugly head at any time.
We have good kids. Not amazing. We have loving kids. Not perfect.
We are loving parents trying to be good.
We too are human beings.
And dang nabbit it's hard not to be human!

As I sit here watching my cat claw a favorite antique chair.....I have no fear she'll decrease it's value........ I smile knowing that I'm now free of fear- I am my own free agent. *note to Self....tatoo "free of fear" on left hand

Hugs, kisses, love & more hugs to all of you who have given me and my friend Self such fearless words of hope! *yes, an extra driver in the family will come in handy!
I am a very lucky woman.



  1. Oh...this was great...I wish I could express my self in words like you just did!!! Congratulations!!!
    You will make it...even when they will make it. It helps us to understand Abraham and Isaac when God asked him to place him on the altar...yet, Abraham said to the servant..."we will come back"...his faith was in a God who could also raise the dead! Yet God saw his heart as he placed his son on the altar giving him back to God.
    Thanks for sharing...I look forward to your writings on their flights....and even their falls!!!

  2. I love this post, dear friend, because God spoke to me about this clearly two years ago, and it was such an experience just like the one you wrote about. He told me so clearly, "if you don't take your hands off, I can't work in your child's life." It was eye opening to me, and humbling.

    And in 5 days I will be taking my oldest 12 hours away, from the Midwest to the East Coast (Va.) to go to college. I'll drop her off, drive away, and be thankful I started letting go when he prompted me, because I've seen Him work in her while under my room. I've seen her become dependent on Him before my eyes. And while I can say, "I trust you Lord," my heart will ache like never before when we turn the van around and drive home.

    I wrote about this experience before I started blogging, and I've don't think I've posted in on my blogs...just on FB. I think it might be time to dust it off and repost it - thanks for speaking the words all of us mothers struggle with!