Monday, August 2, 2010

Now I lay me down to sleep......

I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually post this. This part of me that still haunts me even though I commented in a recent post that I no longer have such fears. It's as if FEAR never really goes away for me.

Is it fear? Or is it worry?
I mean, when my cat claws at a favorite antique chair- do I have fear she will lesson the value?
No,that's worry. I'll probably never sell that old chippy chair anyway.

My fear is losing someone I love. My fear is losing one of my children to death. I find myself still fearing death.

I thought this vanished from my memory- that patch quilt held the fear patch and it was tucked away in a corner.

I now find myself thinking about death- again.

A few weeks ago friends lost their nephew to a car accident. "J" was only 11 years old.
A young life so full of hope. Energy. Love. Many years to live.
J.'s father and I are Godparents to his 14 year old cousin. J. was an only child.
I had no words for his parents. I had no words for his aunt whom I have known for 20 years.
My selfishness reminded me that I am so lucky. My children are all safe and sound at home.

After reading a blogger friends post last week I began to loosen my grip on death. The poem on her post was beautiful.
I watched a touching video.
I read yet another blogger friends post of a loved one who passed away after a motorcycle accident.
Each one of these post meant so much to me.
Some words made me go back to Michael's motorcycle accident.
I even commented on a blog - how we are to remember our loved ones- keep their memories alive- and be thankful to have had them in our lives, even if it was for a short time.
Now I'm thinking....who am I to even have said that?

When I think of Freckle Boy preparing for his license I do feel his excitement. I know all to well what that was like. So does my father!
When I think of China Doll preparing to drive with her brother I do feel her excitement.
I know what that was like sitting in Limo Drivers black Falcon going for Italian ice!
But then there is that I want Freckle Boy behind the wheel? Football Superstar is preparing himself for this as well.
Do I want China Doll in the passenger seat?
Do I want Apple Cheeks in the back seat going for ice cream?

As much as I can suck the fun out of their preparations- a drunk driver, aggressive driver or their own mistake could suck the life from them within seconds.

And this is what I hate about my fears. I'm allowing this darkness to take over my mind, body and soul. I'm allowing my need to control my children's safety to suck the life out of them.
did that make any sense?

Apple Cheeks prepares for bed. She and Piglet say their prayers before we tuck in.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep- Amen...........that's it. yes you can shake your head and tisk, tisk, tisk me I can not get myself to teach her the full prayer.
What is with that? I said it at her age. My parents never thought I would freak out over "if I should die before I wake....I pray the Lord my soul to take".
And most likely Apple Cheeks wouldn't either. Football Superstar and China Doll have both informed me that they will teach Apple Cheeks the entire prayer. is that a threat or promise? China Doll also feels I need to allow the flight wings to grow back. I have way too much fear I could bottle the stuff!
When did she grow up and get so smart?

Well, this may not have been a great read- but it is an honest one from me.

And don't worry- one of these nights Apple Cheeks will most likely be reciting her nighty-night prayer in it's entirety. That is if her big sissy and daddy get their way!

Life Lesson: Stop clipping flight wings. (well, soon)



  1. I cried in the offic bathroom today because the patient I had was just a kid and he had plantars warts all over his feet - caused in part to the chemo he was undergoing. I looked over his health history. So many hospitalizations in 2 years. Bone cancer. His mom was there, she started to help him put his socks and shoes on - only she forgot about his brace -"I'm sorry, I forgot", she told him sadly and wearily. She reveiled a lot with those few words. I cried for her.

    My heart aches for the pain we endure that was never part of God's original plan. I worry too about my loved ones. Especially when I see kids like the one I saw today. We can only protect them to a certain extent.

    I get this post. Thank you for sharing - I love your honesty.

  2. Oh...this sounds so much like what I believe most mothers go through as their children start to drive...we have now gone through four and number 5 can start with a permit in January. All of mine have had to drive up and down horrible highways...then when they moved out and I didn't know when they got home each evening...again another season to have "fear" knock at my mother's heart.

    I am reading "Fearless" from Max Lucado and he addresses this in one of the chapters.

    I have watched so many lose their children from others things besides wrecks and I again remind myself that God numbers our days...not my efforts or my worrying changes any of that.

    Blessings as you move into this new season of will make it through and learn to leave it at Jesus's feet every time they drive out of the driveway.

    I wished being a mom was easier and life also. I still jump if the phone rings very late at night and then I pray and give them back to the Lord....another time!

    Take care!!!!