I do believe I too had this expression a few times.
Yes, I did have this expression- it was during our Alpha course.
While being asked "Lis, what do you think...." my stomach flipped and my eyes bugged out as if I had no seatbelt fastened. Not only was my seatbelt not fastened....the darn thing wasn't even on!
And down.....down.....down I go. My head spins, my palms begin to sweat.....thank goodness that ride is over.
As I mentioned in my previous post- it was the 5th week when I began to ride the roller-coaster, seatbelt on and fastened. I was brave- I stepped out of my comfort zone- painted my face blue like William Wallace and cried Freedom!
No..not really....but I felt that deep inside of me. Freedom. Finally having the knowledge and insight of what I needed to have for so long regarding Christianity.
Due to a Christmas show at my shop, I missed the Alpha Saturday course on the Holy Spirit. Football Superstar attended. That night when we were sharing bits and pieces of our day- he could barely speak to me about what he felt - what was moving inside of him. He was very emotional. Here is where Football Superstar needs to type his own words - very deep and moving- a moment I never witnessed before from my husband.
However, after a day or two- Football Superstars words echoed. Wow....what the heck....why wasn't, haven't, didn't I feeling anything like that?
The following Monday at Alpha, our table facilitators were asking some of us to speak during the last course. Football Superstar was approached by Pastor S*. I knew it.....I had a fuzzy feeling he would be approached.
There was another table friend asked to speak as well. So, what will this last evening be like- two very strong men, very passionate when they speak, using words that sometimes make me go cross-eyed are going to step in front of 80 people and speak. I would have never been able to do that. First, I am not a public speaker. That course I failed in school because I was too busy twisting my hair in a knot. And second- what would I have to speak of? Wait, I do have something to say! I can't say it.....I'll pass out up there. Pastor S* will be looking at me as if I should be a lot further in my "lesson" than I am. He will be disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me. Dang nabbit.....I need chocolate.
One evening I found my husband typing away- like one of our kids, I walked over and hung on his shoulder. He asked me to sit down so he could read this testimony. A testimony?
He read softly and then would pause asking me "too much?" "too formal?".
No..... this testimony coming from my strong willed- non believer of a husband had me in tears.
That night as I sat in bed writing in my journal I find myself silently crying. Again- what the heck was happening to everyone else. Okay, maybe not everyone else, but the most important person in my life was being affected by something- a strong wave of something was taking over this man. And I did not know what to expect.
Last Alpha course. That evening the meal was wonderful. I must applaud the women (and men) who cooked wonderful dinners each Monday night for those of us attending Alpha. And for the non meat eaters- I was catered too- oh, yeah I was spoiled. Extra cake, salad, pasta, veggies, homemade mac&cheese and I did mention extra large slices of cake.
Dinner was over- Pastor S* spoke briefly, and then introduced those who took the Alpha course to come up and give their testimony. Our table went last. First J* spoke. Then my husband.
I couldn't see through the flood of tears. I tried to look over at Eva's table - but she too was emotional. Our table facilitator C* was emotional. Applause, thumbs up and hugs for Football Superstar.
I would have never, ever, ever, ever, sorry but I wouldn't have ever thought my husband would be speaking at a Christian education course- and now he will be asked to speak in church to a congregation of 800 or more people.
*I wrote a note of thanks for Eva to read to the group- I felt she was the best person for this.
December 5th. Football Superstar attends both services at LW. He speaks. He has no fears of speaking in public- telling his story. His life. Sharing with mostly strangers. It's not as if we attend a church of 150 people and chances are you are friends or acquaintances with some of the members.
Mrs. Ice Cream was there, one of his brothers, friends from Alpha, and there I sat trying to prepare myself to hear these words again. Don't sob like an idiot in church- hold yourself together girl- hold it together.
Weeks to follow- I find myself wondering why haven't I had the "wow" yet. Others who spoke at Alpha's last night talked about how they were changed. How they felt this awesome moment, or walked on a beach and had their moment. Went on a bike ride through the countryside and felt this powerful change in their heart. Where was my power hit? *I want to point out that some of the people that took the Alpha course (those we met) were from various religions or non believers. Buddhist, atheist, agnostic and wicka.
On Sundays, Pastor S* hits me with what I call the "Spiritual Punch". I like it, I need that.
But I haven't had anything whop me over the head or on my back. Am I not opening my heart enough? Am I not getting it? What's wrong with me that I am not feeling the spirit?
This was, has been a struggle for me. I'm looking for something I may not get.
I've been recently told that perhaps I don't need that "wow" and will never get that "wow" because I was never that far from God in the first place. ????????? I need to digest this information. Here is what my information load looks like: a cheap paper plate that was filled with bar-b-que, macaroni salad, baked beans and one deviled egg. I would only eat the beans and macaroni salad.....and the other food I would need to remove or dissect or even taste. This is what I'm doing with what I have. Removing, dissecting and trying to digest in order to understand.
To be continued..........
Life Lesson: Taste the deviled egg.