Hello!
Wow, it feels like forever since I have posted anything...actually it has been forever!
I am still here....going there.....feeling as if I'm spread about everywhere.
Finding very little time to sit behind a computer and type- finding little time to journal.
I miss blogging. I miss being able to catch up with you and read latest postings.
For now...know that I am still here. And I hope you don't go away either! : )
Hoping you are all having a wonderful summer...... until I find more time.
xoxox
Peace & Love,
Lis
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
A Mother's Love
Whether she's here or in heaven,
Mother's love is our haven and guide,
For always the memory of Mother
is a beacon light shining inside.
Time cannot destroy the memory,
and years can never erase
The tenderness and beauty
of the love in a mother's face.
And when we think of our mothers,
we draw nearer to God above,
For only God in His greatness
could fashion a mother's love.
Helen Steiner Rice
I woke up early this morning. There was a cool breeze- fresh spring air.
Hazelnut coffee in my favorite white bone china mug.
As I sat on my balcony enjoying my coffee (6:30 am) the kids are sleeping- Football Superstar is with me and Sam on the balcony. Quietness surrounds us. Football Superstar already knows what the plans are for the day. This was it. I didn't want to get out of my favorite comfy PJ's for all the chocolate in the world.
I sat with my feet up for at least an hour. Then it was more coffee- something to snack on- and back to the world of a blue sky and birds singing in delight as they moved from tree to tree.
Sam - our golden retriever- is in position- nose pinned through the rails of our balcony- waiting anxiously for one of the "Rambo Squirrels" to pass by.
Right before Football Superstar returned from a refill on his coffee- I had that moment.
I felt the loss of my mother once again.
The past three years were hard watching her health decline- and celebrations were not easy for any of my family members- we all wanted her to physically and mentally be able to share in the joy of well....what we were enjoying. Why not? My mother the matriarch of our family.
I can't speak for my siblings....but my selfishness wanted my mother so badly to witness all the wonders and joy that was taking place. Birthdays, holidays, picnics and Bocce ball tournaments in their backyard.
Last year for Mother's Day- I went alone for my visit. I arrived at the nursing home before my sister and father. I had twenty minutes to sit and hold her hand.
After one of my visits prior to this day- I had a total break down right by her side. She refused to eat...so her youngest and emotionally fragile began to hysterically cry and beg her to eat. My mother turned to me holding my hand quietly and lovingly tells me not to cry. She tries to wipe my tears with one of her crinkled tissues. The only eye contact I had with her at that moment. We may have sat there for only five seconds- but if felt like forever that she looked deeply into my blue eyes with her green eyes.
This year- I do not have her green eyes to look into.
Today I miss her. Terribly. I become selfish again. I want my mother here with me.
I want to tell her how much I love her. I need her to give me suggestions for raising a teenage daughter.
I want her to see the life I live today.
I want her to see my marriage- my happiness and my peace.
I want to hear her laugh. I want to hear her voice.
As the door opens - Football Superstar walks out to join me for more coffee and quietness.
He asked if I was doing "okay". He knew. How did he know? Geez, this man is tuned in!
I smiled letting him know I was "okay".
As I looked down at Sam, I then glanced over by the pretty pink and white Impatience that my children bought for me..... Apple Cheeks and I planted them yesterday. And next to my big shaggy dogs left paw was my mother's large ginger jar that held pretty pink Impatience.
Happy Mother's Day.
With Love & Peace
Whether she's here or in heaven,
Mother's love is our haven and guide,
For always the memory of Mother
is a beacon light shining inside.
Time cannot destroy the memory,
and years can never erase
The tenderness and beauty
of the love in a mother's face.
And when we think of our mothers,
we draw nearer to God above,
For only God in His greatness
could fashion a mother's love.
Helen Steiner Rice
I woke up early this morning. There was a cool breeze- fresh spring air.
Hazelnut coffee in my favorite white bone china mug.
As I sat on my balcony enjoying my coffee (6:30 am) the kids are sleeping- Football Superstar is with me and Sam on the balcony. Quietness surrounds us. Football Superstar already knows what the plans are for the day. This was it. I didn't want to get out of my favorite comfy PJ's for all the chocolate in the world.
I sat with my feet up for at least an hour. Then it was more coffee- something to snack on- and back to the world of a blue sky and birds singing in delight as they moved from tree to tree.
Sam - our golden retriever- is in position- nose pinned through the rails of our balcony- waiting anxiously for one of the "Rambo Squirrels" to pass by.
Right before Football Superstar returned from a refill on his coffee- I had that moment.
I felt the loss of my mother once again.
The past three years were hard watching her health decline- and celebrations were not easy for any of my family members- we all wanted her to physically and mentally be able to share in the joy of well....what we were enjoying. Why not? My mother the matriarch of our family.
I can't speak for my siblings....but my selfishness wanted my mother so badly to witness all the wonders and joy that was taking place. Birthdays, holidays, picnics and Bocce ball tournaments in their backyard.
Last year for Mother's Day- I went alone for my visit. I arrived at the nursing home before my sister and father. I had twenty minutes to sit and hold her hand.
After one of my visits prior to this day- I had a total break down right by her side. She refused to eat...so her youngest and emotionally fragile began to hysterically cry and beg her to eat. My mother turned to me holding my hand quietly and lovingly tells me not to cry. She tries to wipe my tears with one of her crinkled tissues. The only eye contact I had with her at that moment. We may have sat there for only five seconds- but if felt like forever that she looked deeply into my blue eyes with her green eyes.
This year- I do not have her green eyes to look into.
Today I miss her. Terribly. I become selfish again. I want my mother here with me.
I want to tell her how much I love her. I need her to give me suggestions for raising a teenage daughter.
I want her to see the life I live today.
I want her to see my marriage- my happiness and my peace.
I want to hear her laugh. I want to hear her voice.
As the door opens - Football Superstar walks out to join me for more coffee and quietness.
He asked if I was doing "okay". He knew. How did he know? Geez, this man is tuned in!
I smiled letting him know I was "okay".
As I looked down at Sam, I then glanced over by the pretty pink and white Impatience that my children bought for me..... Apple Cheeks and I planted them yesterday. And next to my big shaggy dogs left paw was my mother's large ginger jar that held pretty pink Impatience.
Happy Mother's Day.
With Love & Peace
Sunday, May 6, 2012
A CEO to Rebuild her Village
Mommy. MOMMMMMY! Mom.
I hear this title, this name so often that even at PetCo I turn around. Like a momma bird, we know the sound of our children's voices- their tones- the pitch of their whines. But when I hear "mommy" or "mom' I can't help but turn around no matter where I am.
It's built in to my internal being. I didn't always want to be a mom/mommy/mother early in my life. Remember, I had the world to see- even if it was from NYC's highest rooftop or by subway. My friends who had children early in their marriages, I almost felt pity for. I have no idea why I felt pity, maybe "Pity" was my armor NOT to marry-get prego-and wear stretchy pants. They were wonderful mothers. They were patient and loving. Passionate about the full time CEO- Mother.
It wasn't until much later in my life that becoming one of the CEO's made an impact.
I knew you needed a father- and that wasn't happening anytime during my mid 20's .... let's just say by the time I climbed the age ladder to 30- that would be a perfect time to begin my transformation to Social Treasure to CEO. And you need to have a Father. yes, that's important.
I love babies. They smelled so fresh, of course baby powder helps- as if you could shake their crinkles and wrinkles out- you would smell linen. White frilly linen.
I enjoy working with young children. They are honest, innocent and entertaining.
Adorable. Lovable. Precious.
Jumping ahead.
I'm now a CEO. Been one for quite a few years. Almost 16+ years.
Those memories of my Social Treasure position come back from time to time..... I smile remembering the days where I had something called "Time". You know what that is- where you place yourself on your very own calendar- your own alarm clock- your own pretty white crystal quartz wrist watch. Lunch with a gal pal. Hair appointments. And don't forget sleeping in from time to time. ah...yes.
Then a noise comes from a distance- snapping me out of my cloudiness.
MOM. MOMMY. MOMMMMMMMY!
Football Superstar and I enjoy the life of CEO. We share this position for the most part.
We are partners in this firm. We have board meetings. minus the power point presentations, however I would vote for one once in a while!
Parenting doesn't come with directions or instructions. There is a manual however and that comes either in King James or NIV here in our home. But I will say- there are those moments when that manual throws a curve ball at me of Truth. Hit's me dead center and I don't have my catchers mitt on.
I found a book my mother had in her room- "It Takes A Village". Hillary Rodham Clinton.
I'm about half way- and there are pages where I feel my own mother wrote the words I read.
If anything- it does take a Village to help raise our children. And in that village live family members, friends and teachers. Cousins. Playmates. Pastors or Priest.
I miss the days of values from my neighborhood. Where everyone knew your name. When they looked after you- even if it was only because you were walking from one street light to another.
Football Superstar and I are planning on rebuilding our village.
I ask you...... who lives in your village.... and are they willing to stand by your children?
From one CEO to another-
Peace&Love
I hear this title, this name so often that even at PetCo I turn around. Like a momma bird, we know the sound of our children's voices- their tones- the pitch of their whines. But when I hear "mommy" or "mom' I can't help but turn around no matter where I am.
It's built in to my internal being. I didn't always want to be a mom/mommy/mother early in my life. Remember, I had the world to see- even if it was from NYC's highest rooftop or by subway. My friends who had children early in their marriages, I almost felt pity for. I have no idea why I felt pity, maybe "Pity" was my armor NOT to marry-get prego-and wear stretchy pants. They were wonderful mothers. They were patient and loving. Passionate about the full time CEO- Mother.
It wasn't until much later in my life that becoming one of the CEO's made an impact.
I knew you needed a father- and that wasn't happening anytime during my mid 20's .... let's just say by the time I climbed the age ladder to 30- that would be a perfect time to begin my transformation to Social Treasure to CEO. And you need to have a Father. yes, that's important.
I love babies. They smelled so fresh, of course baby powder helps- as if you could shake their crinkles and wrinkles out- you would smell linen. White frilly linen.
I enjoy working with young children. They are honest, innocent and entertaining.
Adorable. Lovable. Precious.
Jumping ahead.
I'm now a CEO. Been one for quite a few years. Almost 16+ years.
Those memories of my Social Treasure position come back from time to time..... I smile remembering the days where I had something called "Time". You know what that is- where you place yourself on your very own calendar- your own alarm clock- your own pretty white crystal quartz wrist watch. Lunch with a gal pal. Hair appointments. And don't forget sleeping in from time to time. ah...yes.
Then a noise comes from a distance- snapping me out of my cloudiness.
MOM. MOMMY. MOMMMMMMMY!
Football Superstar and I enjoy the life of CEO. We share this position for the most part.
We are partners in this firm. We have board meetings. minus the power point presentations, however I would vote for one once in a while!
Parenting doesn't come with directions or instructions. There is a manual however and that comes either in King James or NIV here in our home. But I will say- there are those moments when that manual throws a curve ball at me of Truth. Hit's me dead center and I don't have my catchers mitt on.
I found a book my mother had in her room- "It Takes A Village". Hillary Rodham Clinton.
I'm about half way- and there are pages where I feel my own mother wrote the words I read.
If anything- it does take a Village to help raise our children. And in that village live family members, friends and teachers. Cousins. Playmates. Pastors or Priest.
I miss the days of values from my neighborhood. Where everyone knew your name. When they looked after you- even if it was only because you were walking from one street light to another.
Football Superstar and I are planning on rebuilding our village.
I ask you...... who lives in your village.... and are they willing to stand by your children?
From one CEO to another-
Peace&Love
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lions,Tigers, Bears and F-Bombs...oh my!!
Football Superstar and I were chatting this morning over coffee.... topic- Respect.
Mmm....where does one find this? Are you able to purchase it online? Does it come wrapped in brown paper and string? Does it come with a guarantee-return it back for full refund?
Respect: A feeling of deep admiration of someone or something. To respect. Given respect.
Oh, yes....I do believe I remember hearing about this.
Respect is something I know that can be earned. To be given. And to be received.
Now.... thinking about this word Respect, makes me think of the moments I sit in my office at school adjacent to the library. I keep the door open for air....no windows will make one climb the walls at times- I hear echos of the what sounds like lions, tigers and bears. Actually it is not at all that....it's human voices throwing out the F-bomb. Yes.... it's the F-Bomb Storm Troopers throwing the toxic shock word through the hallways. On occasion I will hear an adult voice (armed I am sure) throw back a grenade - with words like "stop that".... "excuse me????" ..... "watch that tone young man/lady"!
Yes, my friends we have come to the time of our lives when disrespecting is no longer cheating on a test or hooking out of school on a beautiful sunny day.
It's come to our language. Our American society of "who cares" - "who gives a flying f*$#?"
I respect Football Superstar. He respects me. Our children see this.
We try to give our children the tools they need for this world. To step out into society and treat people with Respect. To be lions or tigers and bears of admiration to others. To be role models.
I find it hard to imagine having a conversation with my husband without respecting one another.
Or living together without morals and admiration for each other.
I said to my husband..... imagine our life full of bleeps. ? he shakes his head.... no.
"@###$$%%^%.....&^^&&%$##@)((*&&&!!!!!!"
"&^*%^%^.....&^%*&^.....)($#$%$$#??"
What?
Aretha Franklin said it very clearly..... R-E-S-P-E-C-T..... what does it mean to you?
Peace&Love,
Lis xoxox
Mmm....where does one find this? Are you able to purchase it online? Does it come wrapped in brown paper and string? Does it come with a guarantee-return it back for full refund?
Respect: A feeling of deep admiration of someone or something. To respect. Given respect.
Oh, yes....I do believe I remember hearing about this.
Respect is something I know that can be earned. To be given. And to be received.
Now.... thinking about this word Respect, makes me think of the moments I sit in my office at school adjacent to the library. I keep the door open for air....no windows will make one climb the walls at times- I hear echos of the what sounds like lions, tigers and bears. Actually it is not at all that....it's human voices throwing out the F-bomb. Yes.... it's the F-Bomb Storm Troopers throwing the toxic shock word through the hallways. On occasion I will hear an adult voice (armed I am sure) throw back a grenade - with words like "stop that".... "excuse me????" ..... "watch that tone young man/lady"!
Yes, my friends we have come to the time of our lives when disrespecting is no longer cheating on a test or hooking out of school on a beautiful sunny day.
It's come to our language. Our American society of "who cares" - "who gives a flying f*$#?"
I respect Football Superstar. He respects me. Our children see this.
We try to give our children the tools they need for this world. To step out into society and treat people with Respect. To be lions or tigers and bears of admiration to others. To be role models.
I find it hard to imagine having a conversation with my husband without respecting one another.
Or living together without morals and admiration for each other.
I said to my husband..... imagine our life full of bleeps. ? he shakes his head.... no.
"@###$$%%^%.....&^^&&%$##@)((*&&&!!!!!!"
"&^*%^%^.....&^%*&^.....)($#$%$$#??"
What?
Aretha Franklin said it very clearly..... R-E-S-P-E-C-T..... what does it mean to you?
Peace&Love,
Lis xoxox
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Stories to tell
Hello readers....my blogging friends.
Struggling I am....what to write about these days. I'm in awe with my favorite bloggers....what each on of you wonderful ladies write....what I read and what I digest from your powerful words. Inspiration you all are to me.
Once again, I come to a road block in my journey. Why? Why can't I seem to stay on track....on the course....on the once freshly paved road to my spiritual journey. Why is it that when I think I have something to say to you (type on my borrowed keyboard) I fail to do so. Coming from a gal who is never lost for words..... now I am. I wouldn't make the cut for professional writer...oh, but wait....this brings something to my simple mind!
I received a question of what happened to Football Superstar .... our journey. Maybe this is something to write about? Don't know..... would they be interested in this on-going romance?
Geez, we are just two regular Joe's. We are not Bradjolina. So why would anyone be interested in us?
Well, let me just say that thanks to Gracie- she gave me a book to read. I'm enjoying, yes, truly I am....but there was this "hey, who does this author think she is...taking my romantic story about a girl who was going to move to NYC and move on with her life....who does this now "country cooking wife" think she is? Well, she beat me to the punch-that's who she is! She wrote a blog, a romantic book, a cookbook, magazine articles, been seen on the Today Show and now has her own show on food net work!
So thanks to Gracie, and this mystery book- I've decided to focus on what God has been doing in my life...in our life....in my life with Football Superstar. Yep, I've decided to stop thinking about what God is just doing in my life.....like keeping me together....and give snippets of how my very own blue-eyed sexy man (yes I said it) Football Superstar are doing. Don't worry, it's not going to be full of sap and spice.
Maybe this thought of writing something that happens daily, weekly, monthly in my life- in my real life has been triggered by what I had to fight my roller-coaster emotions for. And what I am witnessing happen to many around me. Marriages are being torn apart- some are just beginning.
Relationships are becoming broken and promises glued back together for a period of time.
Makes me wake up..... makes me realize that I've got a lot of answering to God about and a lot of thanking Him for! I'm finding myself once again of being that spoiled brat- maybe the young girl who wanted what she wanted- who could fend for herself- who felt a sense of being brave and in control once again.
And maybe.......just maybe it took two very strong men to wake me up.
Peace& Love
Lis
Struggling I am....what to write about these days. I'm in awe with my favorite bloggers....what each on of you wonderful ladies write....what I read and what I digest from your powerful words. Inspiration you all are to me.
Once again, I come to a road block in my journey. Why? Why can't I seem to stay on track....on the course....on the once freshly paved road to my spiritual journey. Why is it that when I think I have something to say to you (type on my borrowed keyboard) I fail to do so. Coming from a gal who is never lost for words..... now I am. I wouldn't make the cut for professional writer...oh, but wait....this brings something to my simple mind!
I received a question of what happened to Football Superstar .... our journey. Maybe this is something to write about? Don't know..... would they be interested in this on-going romance?
Geez, we are just two regular Joe's. We are not Bradjolina. So why would anyone be interested in us?
Well, let me just say that thanks to Gracie- she gave me a book to read. I'm enjoying, yes, truly I am....but there was this "hey, who does this author think she is...taking my romantic story about a girl who was going to move to NYC and move on with her life....who does this now "country cooking wife" think she is? Well, she beat me to the punch-that's who she is! She wrote a blog, a romantic book, a cookbook, magazine articles, been seen on the Today Show and now has her own show on food net work!
So thanks to Gracie, and this mystery book- I've decided to focus on what God has been doing in my life...in our life....in my life with Football Superstar. Yep, I've decided to stop thinking about what God is just doing in my life.....like keeping me together....and give snippets of how my very own blue-eyed sexy man (yes I said it) Football Superstar are doing. Don't worry, it's not going to be full of sap and spice.
Maybe this thought of writing something that happens daily, weekly, monthly in my life- in my real life has been triggered by what I had to fight my roller-coaster emotions for. And what I am witnessing happen to many around me. Marriages are being torn apart- some are just beginning.
Relationships are becoming broken and promises glued back together for a period of time.
Makes me wake up..... makes me realize that I've got a lot of answering to God about and a lot of thanking Him for! I'm finding myself once again of being that spoiled brat- maybe the young girl who wanted what she wanted- who could fend for herself- who felt a sense of being brave and in control once again.
And maybe.......just maybe it took two very strong men to wake me up.
Peace& Love
Lis
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Does Heaven have a Garden Shop?
This morning Football Superstar and I were having a pretty deep conversation about Heaven.
I always know that when I have these conversations with my husband, they become deep........and sometimes intimidating of his knowledge. It's also a wonderful reminder to me just how strong my husbands faith is......and how important it is for him to "teach" his family right here right now.
So probably "intimidating" is not the correct word to use...... I find myself in awe with his words and passion as he speaks.
So, what is Heaven like? As we continue our conversation we take a break for more coffee.
The sun is breaking through the morning clouds- and a small birds chirp is as clear as the path the sun is creating. As I sip my delicious french vanilla coffee, I couldn't help but think about the scenery of Heaven. Are there flowers? If so....will there be sunflowers and daisies? Silly isn't it for a grown woman to wish for flowers in heaven.
Heaven.....the new Jerusalem......what will it be like?
I say to Football Superstar........." I wonder if I will work in a garden when I get to heaven?" Quietness and beauty.
Calm faces and God loving people.
Seeing those you loved and those who became part of your journey.
Because God loves us with a Never Stopping,
Never Giving Up, Unbreaking,
Always and Forever Love~
Heaven is breaking through~
He is sending us a Light from Heaven
To shine on us like the sun
To shine on those who live in darkness
And in the shadow of death
To guide our feet into the way of peace.
I smell beautiful flowers.
Love & Peace
I always know that when I have these conversations with my husband, they become deep........and sometimes intimidating of his knowledge. It's also a wonderful reminder to me just how strong my husbands faith is......and how important it is for him to "teach" his family right here right now.
So probably "intimidating" is not the correct word to use...... I find myself in awe with his words and passion as he speaks.
So, what is Heaven like? As we continue our conversation we take a break for more coffee.
The sun is breaking through the morning clouds- and a small birds chirp is as clear as the path the sun is creating. As I sip my delicious french vanilla coffee, I couldn't help but think about the scenery of Heaven. Are there flowers? If so....will there be sunflowers and daisies? Silly isn't it for a grown woman to wish for flowers in heaven.
Heaven.....the new Jerusalem......what will it be like?
I say to Football Superstar........." I wonder if I will work in a garden when I get to heaven?" Quietness and beauty.
Calm faces and God loving people.
Seeing those you loved and those who became part of your journey.
Because God loves us with a Never Stopping,
Never Giving Up, Unbreaking,
Always and Forever Love~
Heaven is breaking through~
He is sending us a Light from Heaven
To shine on us like the sun
To shine on those who live in darkness
And in the shadow of death
To guide our feet into the way of peace.
I smell beautiful flowers.
Love & Peace
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saying Goodbye
Tuesday- January 31st. It was a very warm and sunny morning. The drive to Pennsylvania was long- longer than usual- even with very little early morning traffic.
I was alone. Drinking coffee and listening to a local DC station deliver the latest of events and traffic along with the weather forecast almost seemed foreign. My mind was in fast mode and I wanted to break the speed limit even though my car wouldn't allow me to do so.
My mother was dying.
Thoughts poured into my mind- like my last visit with her. Pleasant - quiet.
My last few visits with her were just that. She would barely lift her head to make eye contact. Her frail body propped by a single pillow kept her from slumping over, yet she (to me), looked so uncomfortable. Her once beautiful green eyes were always closed, well, maybe one eye would open slightly to indicate she was acknowledging your presence. And on a good day, she would hold your hand- firmly. For me, holding her petite- but strong hand felt as if she was still in control of my every move. I was a small child again, holding her hand while we strolled along the busy New Jersey boardwalk or Trick-or Treat night dressed as Cinderella. I felt safe.
My car smelled of her favorite body splash and perfumes. I could hear my Mother on the other end of the phone laughing as we would watch a television show together. I felt guilty knowing I really never apologized for being such a stubborn young woman. knowing best for MY life in NYC or any other place I decided to trace off to
By the time I arrived at my parent's home my sister was on the phone with the nursing home.....my father greets me at the door to tell me she passed. In that moment my mind went blank.
At the nursing home we sat with her until she the funeral director arrived. It almost seemed as if she was sleeping. Her hands were folded across her chest simply......almost as if she placed her hands in that position. Calmly. Her skin was so soft. And flawless.
In the days to come my time with my siblings and our father was busy and somewhat disorganized. I don't know, how do you really prepare for death and what comes after.
I've been informed by some how they "prepared" for the death of their loved one. really?
Even with a disease that has haunted your loved one or an illness that has a lottery on you - can you truly prepare for the loss....... asking God to give strength and guidance was something I needed to do..... for months I've been saying goodbye to my Mother. I knew it was only a matter of time. My husband would listen and give (me) support, and help me to understand this walk. But when Tuesday morning came to be I was not ready- prepared to say goodbye.
Today I hear her. I smell Jeanne Nate' body splash. I hear her voice and I see those green eyes focused on every move I make. I feel her inside of my own parenting. funny how I always said I'll never be my MOTHER!
As I wrote about my Mother in another post, she was a wonderful Mother.
My sister, brother and I were very lucky. So was my Father.
I look back at my childhood and today as an adult with "thanksgiving". her favorite holiday
Lord,
Make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love'
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.
In loving memory of my Mother - October 13, 1929- January 31, 2012
I was alone. Drinking coffee and listening to a local DC station deliver the latest of events and traffic along with the weather forecast almost seemed foreign. My mind was in fast mode and I wanted to break the speed limit even though my car wouldn't allow me to do so.
My mother was dying.
Thoughts poured into my mind- like my last visit with her. Pleasant - quiet.
My last few visits with her were just that. She would barely lift her head to make eye contact. Her frail body propped by a single pillow kept her from slumping over, yet she (to me), looked so uncomfortable. Her once beautiful green eyes were always closed, well, maybe one eye would open slightly to indicate she was acknowledging your presence. And on a good day, she would hold your hand- firmly. For me, holding her petite- but strong hand felt as if she was still in control of my every move. I was a small child again, holding her hand while we strolled along the busy New Jersey boardwalk or Trick-or Treat night dressed as Cinderella. I felt safe.
My car smelled of her favorite body splash and perfumes. I could hear my Mother on the other end of the phone laughing as we would watch a television show together. I felt guilty knowing I really never apologized for being such a stubborn young woman. knowing best for MY life in NYC or any other place I decided to trace off to
By the time I arrived at my parent's home my sister was on the phone with the nursing home.....my father greets me at the door to tell me she passed. In that moment my mind went blank.
At the nursing home we sat with her until she the funeral director arrived. It almost seemed as if she was sleeping. Her hands were folded across her chest simply......almost as if she placed her hands in that position. Calmly. Her skin was so soft. And flawless.
In the days to come my time with my siblings and our father was busy and somewhat disorganized. I don't know, how do you really prepare for death and what comes after.
I've been informed by some how they "prepared" for the death of their loved one. really?
Even with a disease that has haunted your loved one or an illness that has a lottery on you - can you truly prepare for the loss....... asking God to give strength and guidance was something I needed to do..... for months I've been saying goodbye to my Mother. I knew it was only a matter of time. My husband would listen and give (me) support, and help me to understand this walk. But when Tuesday morning came to be I was not ready- prepared to say goodbye.
Today I hear her. I smell Jeanne Nate' body splash. I hear her voice and I see those green eyes focused on every move I make. I feel her inside of my own parenting. funny how I always said I'll never be my MOTHER!
As I wrote about my Mother in another post, she was a wonderful Mother.
My sister, brother and I were very lucky. So was my Father.
I look back at my childhood and today as an adult with "thanksgiving". her favorite holiday
Lord,
Make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love'
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.
In loving memory of my Mother - October 13, 1929- January 31, 2012
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