Friday, February 18, 2011

What am I thinking...more importantly, what do you think?

> This was me today. Well, it's not actually me, it's Apple Cheeks- however I thought her expression could pretty much sum up how I felt during my work day.
All week!

Perhaps I could get some help here from my blogging friends. I'm feeling as if I'm all over the map with my emotions....guilt, anger, frustration, fear which then leads into exhaustion, more guilt, blame game wrapped up in a brown paper package tied up with string.........

It's my job.
*Guilt has surfaced because I am now working full time- Apple Cheeks is in preschool full time-
she is adjusting "okay" for the most part~ but there are moments of frustration when she wants to be home with mommy...... like at the "old house" back in PA..... and then this is when my frustration tips the scale. I'm feeling frustrated because I don't know how to balance my work time and my home time. I did it before.... why can't I do it now? Is it because I was home for almost 6 1/2 years with my older kids and 4 of Apple Cheeks 4 1/2 years? I should be able to juggle everything....after all I'm SuperWoman! um... no I'm not
I begin to feel fear when I can't accomplish my schooling. My classes are not challenging....but I struggle to stay on task. my teens are told they will succeed in school/college when they apply themselves why am I not able to tell myself the same?
I'm exhausted by the time I get home from school. My students are draining. yes, even my precious "V" from Russia makes me feel as if I just received my first concussion
I requested a teachers aid. Was refused. I requested a part time "floater" for those hands on moments when my non-English students need my undivided attention. no can do for you
I blame myself because I wanted THIS job! I wanted to be part of a brand new ACADEMY.
Who did I become- George Bailey?
I wish I had a million dollars!

I've been eating lunch alone. I like that
I've been sneaking into a closed off classroom to hide from my co-teachers to eat in peace.
I've been texting my husband in tears- and he is unable to text me back because of his busy schedule.
I've made some decisions.

*I'm going to place my classes on the back burner. to simmer not to spoil
*I'm planning on applying for job positions within the enormous school districts throughout the DC Metro area and Northern VA. it could take 2 years or more!
**My goal is to land a position within a public school in order to match the schedules of my children. the Academy is open year round- they run a summer camp
**Once I get there....I will get back on track with my classes.

Football Superstar feels this is important not only for our kids, but for me. He sees right through me. As much as I try to not complain and whine I do. And he never once serves me a plate of cheese and crackers with my whining.
We were both in this decision to move together. And it was the best decision we made. 100% the best
I guess all this whining is due to my job. I give my sister(s) an earful..... I give Gracie earfuls too.... and now I'm giving you an earful. oh lucky readers!!!!!!
I feel as if I was given an earful during my interview and during corporate training that now those promises are not being kept. such as my class tuition reimbursement!!!
As I write in my prayer journal each night- asking for yet another chance in the work field- I feel selfish and childish. I feel perhaps I need to stop whining and be thankful for what God has given me {us} these past few months. We are here. We asked for guidance in our decision to move. We were given such an opportunity- why am I complaining? Especially when there are thousands of people out of work- in need- and lost.

Maybe I just cracked an egg on my own head. Wake up girl! I'm giggling because the Dove candy wrapper that I ate today said this: NO LIMITS FOR TODAY
Should I frame this wrapper? Or do I just frame my prayers and goals?

Care to meet me for a cup of java and chat? wouldn't that be fun!
Would love to hear your thoughts!

Have a wonderful weekend...... it feels like spring here!

*And just for the record.... Apple Cheeks was not pinched in the photo above. It was taken during one of her potty breakdowns!



  1. Oh my goodness, my very long comment was just erased before I could post it. I've got so much in common with you ... I'll retry tomorrow morning while I drink my coffee.

  2. Hugging you, praying for you! I wrote on Mental Pause which my hormones make me want to run and I am not working outside the home, but the on going financial stress and lack of security can make me go under and cry and cry. So from that angle I can understand, from moving to a new place and starting over I can understand.
    I just want to give you a hug and say I am so sorry it is tough right now....God hears your heart.
    Give yourself some room to are going to make it and this too will pass!

  3. Welp, my retry didn't work either - I guess that means I shouldn't make a blog post out of a comment! I'll try emailing you. Just know that I'm thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you a big hug too.

  4. Lis,
    I know there is more to what's going on than meets the eye.

    And I know you're trusting God. It's not easy being a teacher of small children. It never was. It requires 150 percent of you... really more than what you can give on your own. Teaching small children, and internationals, at that, is really mothering each one of them and no two children are alike! That's what makes it hard. I pray you will endure, and persevere. And ask God directly for the promised reimbursement - they can not go against God, when God collects it for you. This is a difficult season, I can relate (I was a preschool teacher for many years)... but I know your character is being built.

    You can only do so much dear Lis. Choose to focus on the essentials and non negotiables in your family and home life. That will simplify things for you. The rest can wait.


  5. Lis,

    More than our heritage is similar as I read this post. I went back to the classroom 8 years ago after being home full-time with my children for 11 years. My youngest of 4 was 3 at the time.

    What an adjustment. I was teaching out of my content area which meant I was also taking classes, too. I did that for two years until an opening came up in the History department, for which I was certified. Ching! Life was supposed to be good, right?

    Four years later, our life was a smooth running machine of working parents, kids in sports, meals in the freezer....efficient was the name of the game!

    But, I can honestly say I was worn out. I had to do some serious soul searching about what was best for everybody - especially me - because everyone else's needs were being taken care of - my children's, students (I taught the other end of the spectrum - 18 year olds!)....but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

    Pray, dear one, and ask the Lord where he wants you. He will tell you. For me, I made the choice to leave the classroom and go back to graduate school for a degree that would give me more options for part-time work or at least work with flexible hours. Three years later, I am finishing up a 60 hour Masters and the Lord has so graciously provided me with a job already upon graduation that will be 30 hours a week with flexible hours including the option to work some days at home.

    But all of this has not been without an incredible journey of the a woman and daughter of the living God, only He can show you where He wants you at each step along the way. I had to realize I needed to do what He was calling me to do, not what I thought others thought I should do. Some thought I should have not left my career. Some thought I should not have a career at all. Some thought I was crazy to go back to school full time.

    Now that I have seen the Lord guide my steps each way, I have seen how He led each step,with the consultation and support of my husband. Different seasons have different needs....time of change and adjustment are hard...but continue to seek Him and He will provide. He always does.

    He's good that way!

    Love to you,